All I Ever Wanted

Dream come true...

There was a time in my life when all I wanted was to be married to Scott Dopp and have kids.  To take them to ballet and violin lessons and read to them and get them dressed in little outfits.  To play in the fall leaves with them and to stand back proudly when they learned to ride bikes.  I'd imagine myself looking at Scott at those moments and smiling.  I wanted to fix dinner while kids in leotards and tights did their homework on the floor.  I pictured Scott walking in after work wearing a suit and tie, and all the kids running to him.  In my dreams, he would sometimes bring flowers.  He would always smile.  The kids would adore him.  We would be happy.

I woke up this morning and listened.  Kids were up, getting ready for school.  I looked over and Scott was asleep, looking all rugged and peaceful in his three-day-old beard.  I thought of my seventeen-year-old self and I imagined how mad she would be if she could see me now:  So blase about having it all.  Waking up like it's a regular day instead of jumping out of bed, running outside and shouting, "I won!  I won!  I won!"

My seventeen-year-old self would not believe it if she could see me living her dream.  Living as if it were just a given that she should have the perfect husband and all the kids she ever wanted and a cozy, warm house and cars in the garage.  That girl would scream at me, "Do you see what you have?!  Why aren't you freaking out?!"

The truth is, I am.  My heart soars all the time.  I wish you could all see it.  I wish Scott could see it, and the kids.  I wish they could somehow know every time my heart takes a flying leap and sails, tumbling through the air, laughing.

One can't show that much enthusiasm every minute.  It would be uncouth.  But I would like to thank seventeen-year-old Circe for having beautiful, impossible dreams, and I would like her to know that I feel golden that they all came true.  I won't waste them, I promise.