Battle of the Experts

When I grow up I want to be good at gardening. I'll have lush, verdant flower beds with immaculate rows of coordinated flowers and giant pots of exotic, flowing plants as well as a massive vegetable garden. For now, I have a flat of marigolds.

Scott and I have our differences over the yard. Like every bone of contention, this one stems from the fact that neither of us is an expert at gardening. My expertise is based solely on the fact that I have a friend whose family owns a greenhouse. (Hi Nate!) Scott's authority comes from the fact that he used to mow his grandma's lawn. Our combined lack of knowledge results in both of us trumping up our meager tidbits of information and trying to convince each other that we know what we're talking about. Our confidence on any given subject is directly inverse to our knowledge of it.

Example: I bought a dwarf flowering almond tree that I think would look perfect in our front yard. Scott says no way, and it's not a tree because it only grows to four feet and anything that comes up to his waist is not a tree. I say everyone has a tree in their front yard. He says it will look like it doesn't belong. I say our yard looks boring and we're not doing our part to save the planet if we can't even plant a dwarf tree. He says nobody in the history of the world thinks it's a good idea to plant a tree in the middle of the lawn. I say I've been doing extensive research and nine out of ten lawns have trees planted right in the middle.

This is where every argument we have always ends. Somebody starts making up statistics. Then the other person does a dramatic mime of pulling a number out of a hat, saying, "Oh, look! It's a nine." It's a nice way of saying, "You have no idea what you're talking about." Which is usually true. But someday I'll be a gardening expert, and then I'll plant dwarf trees all over our yard. Or maybe I won't because I'll decide Scott was right. When it comes to aesthetics, Scott is usually right, but don't tell him I said that. I don't have any statistics to back it up.