Husband's Guide to Pregnancy

If you're living with a pregnant person, I feel for you. These are trecherous waters, and it is dangerous to navigate them unprepared. You can't just say things anymore; you had better consider every word and action and weigh it for possible negative innuendo. It's a little bit like working with trained tigers. Siegrfried and Roy are highly trained professionals, and look what happened to them. Here's a guide that might help:

Symptom: morning sickness
How to react: Have you ever been so sick that a picture of the time period when you were sick still makes you gag TEN years later? I didn't think so. You wife is that sick, and she still gets out of bed and does everything she would do if she weren't sick. My advice is, if you get a cold, stomach flu or bunnion, you darn well better pretend you're not sick. If you must, take a nap at the office under your desk. Not at home where your wife is helping with a science project and driving carpools in between dashes to the toilet.

Symptom: irritablility
How to react: You can't win on this one. Just stay out of the path of the crankiness unless you're needed for a food run. And give her the remote. NOW!!

Symptom: fatigue
How to react: She's going to fall asleep in front of the TV right after eating a tub of ice cream at 8:00 at night for the first trimester. Do not wake her up, especially if it's to ask where something is. You know the milk is in the fridge. Where else could it be?

Symptom: cravings
How to react: If your wife sends you to Panda for orange chicken and mushroom beef with half fried rice and half chow mein, DO NOT come home with gyros. Your wife could hold it against you for the rest of your unborn baby's life. And I guarantee you won't enjoy one bite of that gyro.

Symptom: misgivings and fear about the pregnancy
How to react: When your wife is in tears and says, "Maybe we shouldn't have kids," don't laugh. Sure, that ship has sailed and it's too late to reconsider, but you still have to pretend your wife is completely sane and discuss the problem as if it were real. Never attribute her moods to the pregnancy. You should know that by now from dealing with PMS.

Symptom: weight gain
How to react: Never say, "Didn't you already eat?" or, "Geez, have a little butter on your toast, why don't you!" In fact, don't refer to anything having to do with food. Your wife is battling nausea, heartburn and a long and ever-changing list of taboo foods that may cause your baby to be born with three arms. She's going to eat what she wants. Now move over. You're blocking the fridge.

Symptom: healthy glow
How to react: She doesn't have it. It's a myth. Pretend she's glowing like the Eiffel Tower at night and compliment her for it.

Symptom: In a moment of inattention, she asks you a pregnancy-related question.
How to react: Don't answer it. Never offer advice. And never say, "Are you sure you can eat that? Are you sure you should be doing that?" Yes, she's sure, because the ratio of pregnancy books she's read to the number you've read is roughly 200:0.

Symptom: nesting
How to react: When you find her painting the nursery, refer to the previous advice. Of course she's sure the paint fumes won't hurt the baby. She has looked it up in five books, googled it and read the first thousand entries and asked 57 friends their opinion, which they were qualified to give because...they've been pregnant. Your job is to hand her the roller while she's up on the ladder. And yes, she's being careful and yes, she's sure she should be doing that.

If you follow all of my advice AND get extremely lucky, you should sail through pregnancy just fine. Good luck! Any other advice, ladies?