Is it Deadly?

Owning a car is a huge hassle. Everything is fine until your car starts making a noise you've never heard before and lights you didn't know were there start blinking urgent messages like, "Service engine now!" or "Maintenance required." I listen to Car Talk on NPR, but in the twenty years I've been listening, I've never learned anything even remotely useful. I think Tom and Ray would be proud. So when my car has a problen, I take it in. That costs money and leaves me without a car. It's perpetual aggravation. And every time things start working right, it's time to go get the registration or the emissions or new tires.

Even with all the perplexing maintenance, a car is no match for a kid. Kids are always and forever malfunctioning, breaking down, leaking fluids and making weird noises. And if you have more than one child, if one is running smoothly, you can bet that another one will break down in its place. Last fall it was broken bones for us. No sooner did we have Ruby's arm in a bright pink cast than Xanthe's tiny collarbone proved to be cracked. We had our share of stomach viruses over the holidays, and then it was on to Ruby's mysterious neck infection. If Ruby were a car, that one would have stumped the chumps on Car Talk for sure. Well, we wouldn't want life to get too predictable, so Freestone developed a toothache this weekend. Every few hours, he silently walked up to me and held out a bottle of motrin and a spoon, blinking at me with his giant brown eyes. Poor little guy! Since I'm so responsible, I took him to the dentist this morning, thinking the problem was going to be a giant cavity or a disintigrating jaw or something. I paid the dentist fifteen bucks to tell me Freestone's six-year-old molars are growing in. Did my other kids get six-year-old molars? Why have I never heard of them? I can almost guarantee that when Xanthe is six and has a toothache, I'll use the six-year-old molar explanation and fail to notice that her jaw really is disintigrating.

That's the problem with kids. Their illnesses are tricky to diagnose. Numerous times, I've sent a kid to school telling them they have growing pains. An hour later, the janitor is sprinkling sawdust on the floor and the school nurse is calling me to come get the kid who just threw up at circle time. Then there are the kids who have been hospitalized for dehydration (Golda and Araceli) because I didn't want to overreact. When I go to the doctor's office, I want my kid to have double pneumonia or something. I want the doctor to say, "You were right, your child is very, very sick. You saved her life by bringing her in when you did. Here is a strong medication that will cure everything and make her sleep for three days."

I do NOT want the doctor to say, "It looks like just a cold virus. Drink plenty of fluids and put a humidifier in her room. Maybe take some Tylenol." That makes me want to scream, "I'm not dragging my kid to the doctor's office for a folk remedy! My grandma's visiting teachers could have told me that! You find something SERIOUSLY WRONG with this kid and FIX IT RIGHT NOW!! And give me a prescription for something and some free samples! And an extra prescription for antibiotics for next time something goes wrong! And give the kid some immunizations because we're probably behind on those."

So, after five kids, I'm still not very good at diagnosing illnesses. I did get one last night that I knew what to do with, however. I was having a dream that Scott didn't want me to know he was there, so he was barking to make me think he was Star. I woke up to find Freestone doing that barky cough that makes every new parent think their kid is turning into a sea lion. Fortunately, I am an expert on this from reading an article in Parenting Magazine recently. I wrapped him in a blanket and sent him outside to breathe cold air for a few minutes. The article said to take your child outside, but it was below zero out there and I didn't have croup. When Freestone came back in, his cough was much better and we all went back to sleep. Today, my little sea lion is playing video games and watching Power Rangers. I just didn't want to get that call from the school: "Hello, Mrs. Dopp, did you realize Freestone had croup?"

"What? You're kidding! I had no idea! I'll be right over."