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On the other side of the coin are the failures we all experience. In some ways, the failures are more formative than the successes. I ran for everything in junior high and high school, and never won until my junior year, when the studentbody collectively said, "Enough already, let's just vote for Circe and put her out of her misery." There have been countless lists without my name on them and numerous announcements of victory that showcased me hanging my dejected head in disappointment in the background. There were many first cuts that shattered my fledgling dreams. The worst, though, was when I was cut after all the cuts had been made. I didn't make Nutcracker until I was 14, when all the other dancers had tired of being in it year after year and stopped auditioning. I didn't care. I loved every minute of my time onstage, and there were two. Two minutes.
There are so many times in our lives when our name just isn't called. Who doesn't remember the days passing by, each one without an invitation to Prom appearing on our doorstep? Who doesn't know how it feels when everyone else is chosen? All of us have experienced a phone that just will. not. ring. If there is someone out there who was never the last one picked, never had a fall from grace, never scanned a cast list or a team list over and over to no avail, I have not met that person. We all know all too well the sensation of a sinking heart as it breaks into a million pieces.
Rejection isn't one of those things you laugh about later. My eyes still burn with shame-filled tears when I think about my misplaced confidence at the Monkey King audition. Scott still becomes angry and frustrated when he talks about how he never made the high school basketball team. There have been, and there will be, for all of us, stories to file under the painful category, "Times They Didn't Want Me."
What's in YOUR "Times They Didn't Want Me" file?
10 comments:
There are too many to name.... But, here are a few. For me there was 8th grade Secretary - lost to Annalisa Semideni (love her!), finally made it in 9th, a big NO for Pro-Schola Secretary (Amy Gregory), a no again for high school office spots (even though I ended up with the 20 yr reunion. :). In fact, I think I was rejected in life more than accepted. I also think you are exactly right. The failures are what shape you - hopefully in a positive way. Those moments, even though they are meaningful, are such a drop in the bucket in life. I've only named a few, but I could tell you millions of times that I thought life was awesome, joyful, and oh so fulfilling. Rejection and painful are the worst things ever. But the sting does pass. Even if it takes a while. You still remember the details, just like I remember the people who won. However, I remembering is part of the gift. You use those life experiences to move forward and become stronger. you also use them to help people in your life - just like the Monkey experience now helps with Nutcracker :) I use to look at other people who seemed to have such charmed lives. It was hard for me to understand why things (of all sorts) came more easily to others. Later I learned that we all have our testing moments. Some are more public than others. The trials will come. Hopefully smiles and good days will return soon. Love you guys!!!
Hi! I am a regular lurker of your blog. Don't have a blog of my own, but really enjoy your posts. I am probably your exact opposite - non-practicing LDS, married, working mother of two and have never played a musical instrument in my life. I appreciate your down to earth comments.
Oh the 'The Times They Didn't Want Me.' Your post today takes me back to one of my nieces wedding day. In admiration of the bride and festivities my brother made mention to me all the times she did not make such and such, BUT on this day she won more than all those times put together. He spoke of times his heart hurt for her while growing up and in hindsight those father daughter conversations forged a great bond between the two of them. No check big enough to hold all the digits that is worth.
You are 100% right rejection is not one those things you laugh about later. I think such times are there to remind us what is most important. In high school I did not make the cheerleading squad. My older sister was one and it was a goal of mine. Everyone thought I was a "in." I worked so hard for it and wanted it so bad! It just did not happen. The school counselor even pulled my Mom aside at a school function and expressed her condolence for me. My senior year consisted of many good times with friends. To this day those same girls are still my friends. We do lunch and the occasional girls night out. Laugh and cry together. Talk about the same memories over and over again, as if they had just happened the weekend before. I don't know if I would trade those memories for poms poms and splits. Maybe? Maybe not? I still cringe on the thought of cheerleader tryouts. BTW our 20 year reunion was a couple of years ago and it appeared the cheerleadering squad didn't do lunch on a regular basis. Don't know...I wasn't one of them!
Sorry for the loooong comment. This one just hit real close to home (or earth) - just like your posts.
Wow did this post make me think this morning! So I think I was so lacking in self-confidence I generally didn't try out for anything. Because I was usually the one last picked if it was a sporting activity. Because of my three closest friends Kim was the social one(student body offices), Sharla was the athletic one(basketball, volleyball and track) and Melanie was the beautiful one(homecoming and prom royalty). Now the upside of that was I enjoyed all the things they did by association. A plug for choosing good friends there I guess. I really don't know where my fear of failing came from, all I do know is that sinking feeling in your stomach when you fail was so familiar I just didn't try for things in order to avoid it. So that begged the question when did it change for me? I think it was BYU (can I say that on this blog?Heehee) I think when I got into BYU it was something I achieved all on my own and my successes there were not shared in any way with anyone else.
I still wish I had a magic wand and could make our kids names always be on the lists in their lives. But you are right, great lessons are learned and I wouldn't want to rob them of that.
I think everyone grows up with these stories and I also think it doesn't really change very much even though we are adults. I have avoided Relief Society dinners, PTA luncheons, etc. because I was afraid I wouldn't have someone to sit with. It is crazy because the advice I would give my kids is "go and sit with someone who is alone, make a friend, it will be fun!" but it is really hard for ME to do that.
Love it Circe! You are so great. I think my failures made me who I am, not my successes. I am a better person because I failed. Failing is hard. I takes guts to pick yourself back up after a failure.
I remember not being asked to a single a dance until the last dance of my junior year. So when my daughter didn't get asked to a single dance her junior year, my heart just broke for her, even though she didn't act too devastated. There I sat as a 38 year old woman, sobbing and venting in my journal about how stupid high school boys are, just like I did when I was 17. You can imagine my elation when she got asked to Homecoming this year. My faith in the male race is once again slightly restored. When it comes to my children, I would prefer to see them enjoy the victories every day over watching them suffer through the disappointments. I know that they are better for them, but I'd still prefer to forego the failures.
Hoo-boy. This hits a nerve. I sadly relate to the commenter who mentioned R.S. dinners and PTA events. Maybe I'll get to a point in my life when I can go somewhere and be OK with never hearing my name, despite my trying to reach out -- but I'm not there yet. Still, I try.
Two stings: rather than having a valedictorian, my high school's student body picked people to write and present a reader's theater at graduation, usually a group of six. I was honored when I was announced as one of eight. (Not six.) When I went to the first meeting the teacher in charge said to me, in front of everyone else, "Sorry, we don't need you." To this day I don't know why I was announced but not allowed to participate.
Most recently I was accompanying a violin student at her high school orchestra concert. I wasn't feeling well that day, I was busy and my husband was out of town (you and Scott helped with my ballet carpools that night so I could go). I prayed really hard that I would do well. I didn't. One of my worst performances ever. I can still feel the hot shame on my face. It seems a silly thing, but it really shook me. I had done all the preparation I could -- I couldn't understand why my prayer wasn't important. The answer came later: that I WAS important, but that I could not base my worth so narrowly.
Soccer team my Freshman year.
Lost every election I ran in. Yep. It is true. I think my kids don't want me most of the time. In fact, tonight my daughter told me to get away from her.
I have found however, that the more I am not wanted, the stronger I am! That is a good thing.
It's interesting to read all of the comments...makes me realize even more that we are who we are, not because of our successes, but because of the failures that helped us succeed.
First year auditioning on pointe - I failed miserably despite how hard I tried. It was even harder to wipe away my tears and RUN to the next NON-pointe audition. But boy...did that give me the drive to push myself that next year. It could have ruined me, but luckily, I had parents who wouldn't let it.
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