Xanthe and her loot from Coco and Bill's trip to Europe! She's in heaven!
Xanthe practicing for Crazy Hair day. Seriously, practicing for Crazy Hair day.
Xanthe has some hangnails that are always bothering her. She said, "I have two owies. When you're Chinese, you have a LOT of owies." I tried to tell her that being Chinese doesn't mean you have a lot of owies, but she replied, "Weeeeeell, Ruby has a lot of owies." I said, "See? And Ruby isn't Chinese." Xanthe said, "Uh, kind of." Ruby is kind of Chinese? Yep, in Xanthe's world she is.
I took the opportunity of Xanthe bringing up her ethnicity to talk about her about where she came from. We decided that Ruby wasn't born in China, but Xanthe was. Xanthe described herself as having brown eyes, brown hair and brown skin. She said matter-of-factly, "And when I was born, you weren't there because you were getting my crib ready." Not the whole story, but OK. I said, "Do you remember me telling you about your birth mother? Remember when Ptolemy was in my tummy? Well, you were in another mama's tummy. When you were born, she couldn't keep you."
Then the inevitable, "Why couldn't she keep me?"
"Because she didn't have any nice, warm clothes for you or any..." I trailed off because my voice was getting flimsy and I didn't know the truth, anyway.
Xanthe finished the thought: "She didn't have a nice, warm jacket for me?"
All I could say was, "No."
It definitely wasn't the ideal conversation, but I didn't have any regrets about our little heart-to-heart. I don't have to say the right thing or have all the answers, now or ever. I have my whole life to sort out with Xanthe where she came from and why. I am Xanthe's mom, but also the steward of this tiny twig from a family tree I'll never see, whose roots are deep in unknown soil. Hundreds of generations of a pure Han Chinese family, no doubt a family incredibly rich in tradition, culminated in our daughter. She is lost to them on this earth, but I like to think that her ancestors know exactly where she is. She's right here, worrying about computer lab tomorrow, even though she has practiced typing in her username and password dozens of times. That's our Xanthe. Oh, sorry, Ancestors...your Xanthe, too.
4 comments:
Beautiful Circ! So many emotions go with that post - sorrow for her "other family" who will never know the ins and outs to this lovely and sassy little girl we call Xanthe. Joy - that she is part of our family. Love - that goes beyond DNA and encompasses family here and for unknown souls across an ocean. Hope - that Xanth will truly understand how adored she is in our family. May there never be holes in her heart that our affection and attention can't fix. And, Gratitude - that X is SO lucky to have two parents who dedicated and sacrificed so much to add her to their family. Your inclusion not only gave her a loving home, but eternal blessings that might not otherwise be acquired in this life. Yes, our little fiesty Hunan girl is exactly where she belongs... with all of us!
Dang that kid lights up the world with that smile! I love that you have started a dialogue about Xanthe's roots and so it will never be an awkward subject. Can hardly wait for lunch, I will miss her though!
I think Xanthe is Esmae's most favorite person on the planet, she is a crack up & couldn't be with a more perfect family for her!
I remember the first few conversations. THey were so hard. Now, we talk about them so matter of a fact. THe other day we were walking to her friends and Maylin asked if she was naked when she cam out of my tummy. I said no and she said, "Duh. I forgot. Was I naked when I came out of my China mom?" Yes you were.
Time sure makes things better. Love her hair!!!!!! It is a scream.
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