I love Xanthe when I'm practicing piano with her, or reading, working on flash cards, doing homework or driving to ballet. She is delightful, fun, happy and funny. But all of the other time, the other 20 hours of the day, she's whiny, pushy, hungry, thirsty and just a nuisance. The bottom line is, she can't have ALL the attention ALL the time, and she cannot accept that. She takes, takes, takes and doesn't know how to stop. My life cannot revolve around Xanthe alone.
Her eating habits? She KNOWS I feed her whenever she asks because I want to overcome her insecurity about food. So when she sees me working with Ruby on schoolwork, she comes RUNNING. Hungry. The kid is playing me. It is extremely frustrating to start out explaining a vocabulary assignment to Ruby and end up having an argument with Xanthe about how she's not hungry because we JUST ate. When I say no to her, she crumples on the ground like a wet noodle and lies there moaning and whining. It's hard to ignore that, so I have to leave the kid I'm talking to and deal with Xanthe instead. When I practice with Freestone, Xanthe will lie on the floor outside Freestone's bedroom door grunting or whining, "I need a driiiiink!" I literally can't have a conversation with anyone without Xanthe ruining it. And we talk and talk and talk about not interrupting and waiting your turn. Then an adult comes over and Xanthe stands between us, jumping up and down, shouting, "I have a owie on my finger! I have a owie on my finger!" I want to shout, "We don't care!!!" It's humiliating to have Xanthe act like that. I hate it when kids think they can interrupt adults, and I can't even get my own kid to stop doing it.
One of Xanthe's favorite tactics is to purposely go to another room, and shout for me. "Mom! Come here! Mom!" Today, we had two instances of that and two conversations about using your legs to walk and find Mom so that you don't have to shout for me. Then she deliberately went down to her room when I got on the phone and started wailing, "Mooooom! Moooom! I want to do piano now!" I lost it. I completely lost it. Shouting and everything. It is a power struggle between me and the little Spicy Beast, and she is winning, hands down. I would ask all of you, "What should I do?" but I don't want to DO anything! I want Xanthe to be able to entertain herself. I want to be able to interact with my other children and other adults uninterrupted. I want Xanthe to stop playing me, stop intentionally doing the things I ask her not to do. And I want her to eat like a normal child. I am just very, very frustrated with her today. It's not as if she never gets any attention. In fact, I'm feeling very resentful of the share of it that she gets. It looks like I'm facing another one of those opportunities for growth that parenting so freely and generously gives. I hope I'm able to eke out an inch or two here!
Her eating habits? She KNOWS I feed her whenever she asks because I want to overcome her insecurity about food. So when she sees me working with Ruby on schoolwork, she comes RUNNING. Hungry. The kid is playing me. It is extremely frustrating to start out explaining a vocabulary assignment to Ruby and end up having an argument with Xanthe about how she's not hungry because we JUST ate. When I say no to her, she crumples on the ground like a wet noodle and lies there moaning and whining. It's hard to ignore that, so I have to leave the kid I'm talking to and deal with Xanthe instead. When I practice with Freestone, Xanthe will lie on the floor outside Freestone's bedroom door grunting or whining, "I need a driiiiink!" I literally can't have a conversation with anyone without Xanthe ruining it. And we talk and talk and talk about not interrupting and waiting your turn. Then an adult comes over and Xanthe stands between us, jumping up and down, shouting, "I have a owie on my finger! I have a owie on my finger!" I want to shout, "We don't care!!!" It's humiliating to have Xanthe act like that. I hate it when kids think they can interrupt adults, and I can't even get my own kid to stop doing it.
One of Xanthe's favorite tactics is to purposely go to another room, and shout for me. "Mom! Come here! Mom!" Today, we had two instances of that and two conversations about using your legs to walk and find Mom so that you don't have to shout for me. Then she deliberately went down to her room when I got on the phone and started wailing, "Mooooom! Moooom! I want to do piano now!" I lost it. I completely lost it. Shouting and everything. It is a power struggle between me and the little Spicy Beast, and she is winning, hands down. I would ask all of you, "What should I do?" but I don't want to DO anything! I want Xanthe to be able to entertain herself. I want to be able to interact with my other children and other adults uninterrupted. I want Xanthe to stop playing me, stop intentionally doing the things I ask her not to do. And I want her to eat like a normal child. I am just very, very frustrated with her today. It's not as if she never gets any attention. In fact, I'm feeling very resentful of the share of it that she gets. It looks like I'm facing another one of those opportunities for growth that parenting so freely and generously gives. I hope I'm able to eke out an inch or two here!
12 comments:
Circe - I swear I have Xanthe's twin living at my house. You described my child in a nut shell. One exception is that she doesnt have an owie on her finger when I'm with other adults she demonstrates the splits. Doesn't matter where or when, the spits show up to take the attention at any given momment. The other day I told her to just be quiet and be a child. Seen and not heard. HA! And the food thing. I swear she has a hole in her leg. Ugh if you come up with a solution let me know. If not lets go get a COKE we deserve it!
All I know is this: Keep up the good work. It will all come together one day. And make sure you take BREAKS so you can recharge and give her what you can. I KNOW you are doing great. Hang in there!!!
No advice here but we have a similar house! Emi soaks up attention like we soak up the sun! People look at us and think, "how can that sweet little girl ever throw a tantrum?" Hopefully they will outgrow it! Best wishes!
Can I just say how refreshing it is to hear that someone feels just like I do? Children can create some of our most embarrassing moments in front of people! I hope you find an answer. And when you do, post it on your blog so that I can deal with my son who I swear is going to be the end of me!
I hope one of the two books I gave you will help. It has been a while since I read them so you'll have to tell me what you think.
Bless you. You are a miracle worker, and one amazing mama. Xanthe IS exhausting. And endearing. (as you well know) You are a study in patience, and I'm glad to know that even you have your moments of frustration and desperation.... you are normal, yipee!! That said, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, except that it has got to get better, and it will. Just hang on!
Maybe we can trade for a month or so, Xanthe can come here and get my undivied attention all the time, and Jake can go hang out so he has someone to play with (and doesn't lay on the floor moaning "I don't have anyone to play with".
I take a very practical approach to parenting. As far as the food issue- keep a basket of food in the pantry at her level so she can get her own food when she is hungry, same with cups for drinks. If she continues to complain I kindly escort the child to their bedroom and tell them they can come out when they can behave a certain way. It puts the ball totally in their court. Keep a stool by the sink if you have to. I can't help but think that her bio mother was the exact same way (spicy), and that is why you have been blessed with Xanthe. Every personality has it's pro's and con's. Focus on the positive aspects of her personality and I always pray for patience. But Circe I think you are almost as perfect as Nana Ruby.
Circe I am so sorry! I feel like I know how you feel - remember when I didn't call you right after we "met" because Claire had phone issues - I seriously couldn't have even the shortest phone conversation without problems! And while the phone issue has *mostly* resolved now, the other behaviors you describe are eerily familiar to us! Why do growth opportunities have to be so stinkin' hard? Hang in there! (and while you're there, figure out the solution and share it so I can implement it). Maybe we just need to brave the yucky weather and take the girls to the park :) xo, sandy w.
So. I am comforted to hear you have struggles too. I lost it yesterday when after hundreds of days like it finally built up and I couldn't take it anymore. My child is into wearing everything at once. Yesterday she wore, a skirt, with pants and shorts. Five shirts and a sweater. Two scarves wrapped an tied around her arms. The shoe laces out of the shoes and wrapped up each leg. I lost it when we were walking up the bleachers at the school and her shoe came off. I think the first thing out of my mouth was "That's why shoelaces belong in our shoes not up our leg!!!!!!!" The lecture and yelling went on. I was particularly flustered because this child has to take EVERYTHING she owns with us when we go anywhere. You try to stop her and she cries and I feel guilty. But when I was carring 2 backpacks filled with clothes, one purse filled with books and crayons, two sweaters and a winter coat, plus my things.....a shoe falling off was a terribly BIG deal.
Sorry to vent, but so glad to hear I am not the only one fighting the fight.
You sure are great. I think it is wonderful how much attention you give your kids. I have two less and don't spend as much one on mone time as you seem to do. Hang in there.
Circ, you have impeccable instincts. I'll say a little prayer for you and Xanthe. You are the best mother in the world.
Xanthe stopped me yesterday (Thursday) as I was coming to the school to show me the yellow VIP poster she was bringing home. I was struck by what a confident little girl she is. You're doing right by her. As D. Lloyd once told me, children usually give us their worst selves, and save the best for others. (He noted that when third-party reports match what we experience, only then we should worry!)
To add to the great idea of having a shelf of food Xanthe can access, I'd say also stock it with ingredients that have to be combined (like into PBJs), and reinforce that she makes it -- and cleans up -- herself. Having to put forth some effort on her part might curb a few hunger pangs. But what do I know? I'm currently the mother of a 15-year-old hollow leg.
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