After the movie, as I was tucking Xanthe in, I said, "So, what did you think that movie was about?" Xanthe replied, "Chinese people." I thought maybe she didn't pick up on much, but as I pulled the blankets up to her chin, Xanthe said in a small voice, "Mom, how many days did my birth mother keep me?"
"Four," I said out loud as I chanted in my head, "Hold it together, hold it together, hold it together..." I didn't want to break down in the sobs that a moment like this deserves. I wanted it to be about Xanthe and her processing her emotions, not mine. But the way she phrased her question was so heartbreaking.
I began, not wanting to say anything that wasn't true, "Your birth mother kept you for four days, and she probably held you the whole time, you were so tiny and beautiful. Then she or someone else took you someplace where they knew you would be safe, which was the orphanage." We then moved on to a discussion about her "roommates," and how Xanthe hoped none of them were older than she was, because she wanted to be the oldest.
Xanthe wasn't found with a note, as far as we know. Most babies are found with a note telling at least their birth date. That leads me to believe that Xanthe's family was very poor and illiterate. If we could find them, I would, in a heartbeat. There is no question for me, I would want to know where Xanthe came from, and who her people are, if I had the choice. I don't know how Xanthe will feel in the future, but I do know that we will probably never even have a scrap of information about her family.
It's enough to know that Xanthe is where she belongs, according to Heavenly Father's plan. I have a feeling the future could be very interesting as God's plan unfolds for Xanthe. She has amazing things in store for her, and I can't help but hope that some of them include the people who brought her into this world.
For tonight, I can only offer up my silent gratitude to Xanthe's birth parents, and promise them that Scott and I will take care of their - our - little girl.
3 comments:
Those are the moments that make your heart burst with joy and also break with saddness. You handled that beautifully. We are so happy X is part of our family. There may be a piece of her that will always wonder who that woman was and why she made the choices she made. And yet, I KNOW that in the next moment, X will have a confirmation that all is as it should be and that Heavenly Father made it possible to have the life that otherwise would not have been hers. She / We are all so lucky.
You brought tears. I am so glad Xanthe is where she belongs. What a tough moment, you handled it beautifully.
This post took my breath away. Your handled it so beautifully! Hannah is just beginning to learn that she has a birth mother and we're exploring things together at her pace. I love what you said to Xanthe and can see myself sharing similar things with Hannah when she is older.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
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