Once upon a time, I was not afraid to fly. Then after 9-11, I started feeling anxious on airplanes. I was sure I was going to die. It was such an uncomfortable feeling that it wasn't worth it to even go on an airplane. I dreaded the inevitable panic, and the sensation that I couldn't breathe.
That was the beginning.
But still, I taught ballet classes without walking up and down the barre picturing in my mind what I would do if a gunman burst through the door. Not now. Now I think: I would immediately hurry all my girls out the back. Right? If I rehearse it in my mind, I can be ready and save them all. Should we have a drill, I wonder sometimes.
Until quite recently, I sat in audiences with my children without wondering how many I could shield with my own body if someone were shooting at us. Before, I never noticed where all the exits were and created strategies for escape. I never wondered if Ptolemy could understand the concept of "playing dead."
I remember when cancer seemed like an "if," not a "when," and my lungs didn't hurt just from living where I live.
This is crazy. Am I just losing it? Are we all?
Then again, none of my children will ever die, probably, by falling off a wagon, getting kicked in the head by a cow, or getting their arm caught in a hay baler. When they get sick, I am not afraid they'll die, because we have medicine, hospitals. If every time and place has its dangers, ours probably has fewer than most, fear itself being primary among them. Fear, I can conquer. Fear doesn't carry an assault rifle. Or maybe it does, and that's our problem.
That was the beginning.
But still, I taught ballet classes without walking up and down the barre picturing in my mind what I would do if a gunman burst through the door. Not now. Now I think: I would immediately hurry all my girls out the back. Right? If I rehearse it in my mind, I can be ready and save them all. Should we have a drill, I wonder sometimes.
Until quite recently, I sat in audiences with my children without wondering how many I could shield with my own body if someone were shooting at us. Before, I never noticed where all the exits were and created strategies for escape. I never wondered if Ptolemy could understand the concept of "playing dead."
I remember when cancer seemed like an "if," not a "when," and my lungs didn't hurt just from living where I live.
This is crazy. Am I just losing it? Are we all?
Then again, none of my children will ever die, probably, by falling off a wagon, getting kicked in the head by a cow, or getting their arm caught in a hay baler. When they get sick, I am not afraid they'll die, because we have medicine, hospitals. If every time and place has its dangers, ours probably has fewer than most, fear itself being primary among them. Fear, I can conquer. Fear doesn't carry an assault rifle. Or maybe it does, and that's our problem.
5 comments:
Crazy times we live in for sure. Adaline did a drill at school where they were taught to hide in a closet. You just have to keep living and loving and be happy.
I have plans acted out in my mind of movie theaters.
We cannot let fear run our lives, but we must be more aware of our circumstances, people around us and what is happening around us, unfortunately more so than used to. I tell Alex and Lincoln to be aware of what is happening around them..notice people, places and things, but we must not make them afraid. I find myself doing this more in malls, parking lots, movie theatres, etc. But we cannot let fear rule our lives, only be more aware. We can be more aware but not stop enjoying the world. xo Tricia
Wow. You've given me a lot to think about. It's sobering, when I contemplate all that I have to fear for my children in this day and age, to think that in another time I may not have even survived giving birth.
hmmmm. deep. I have the quote up on my mirror to remind myself- "I am not a worrier, I am a warrior!" (I had to put that up to help get myself to quit worrying. LOL)
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