Easy Instructions for a Messy House

Using my step-by-step process, you too can have a messy house in no time at all.
Step 1: Have kids.

Actually, there's only one step. That's how easy it is. Kids shed clothing, exude crumbs and seem to have something sticky on their fingers at all times, just in case a couch looks too clean. If you're an overachiever and would like additional ideas about how to have a messy house, read on for great tips about things you can do with your kids...

Let them create. Glitter is probably the most efficient and quickest way to go from clean to disaster, but glue, paper, crayons and markers work, too, especially if you teach the children that walls are good canvasses.
Tell the kids that yes, they can go play in the snow. They may not stay outside long enough for you to sort through last year's outgrown snow clothes, but they will spend a good hour thoroughly destroying your mudroom.
Send the kids to school and/or let them have friends or hobbies. Nothing piles up like school projects, goal sheets and invitations. This kind of stuff can easily make a mess of countless backpacks, bulletin boards, countertops and bedrooms. Very effective. This one is easy because it happens automatically unless you meet all incoming kids at the door with a big garbage bag.

Celebrate holidays. There's nothing like festive decor to quickly turn a house from spotless to gaudy. Without kids to move stuff around, break it and leave it where it doesn't go, holiday items are merely decorative. With kids, however, a simple strand of lights can make an entire entryway look like a Wal-Mart clearance bin. As an added bonus, each kid brings home an average of twelve projects from school per holiday, which you are absolutely required to display.

And lastly, feed the kids. There is no better way to ensure that your house gets messy three times a day or more than to pull out a meal and serve it to kids. This will take care of the floor, the counter, the table and the sink in one fell swoop.

I know, I know, I should teach my kids to clean up after themselves. Yeah, I was really good at that...until I actually went through with Step 1. If you don't feel that your house is quite messy enough, get a husband. He'll be happy to reassure you otherwise. :) Now, I have to go feed some kids; My countertop is looking unnervingly clean.