I've been doling out unsolicited advice to Golda for 18 years and two months. I would stop, but I just have so much knowledge and wisdom about everything, it would be a shame.
So without further ado, here is my Advice on Living With Roommates. When I was 17, my parents drove me to Indiana, bought me a sheet set, a towel, some bins and a mug that said "Scott." Then they left. (That is actually a much longer, more hilarious/tragic story that maybe you've heard...) Anyway, when I moved into my suite in the Read-Clark building next to the music school, my roommate's stuff was already there. So I moved my things into the remaining closet, desk and bed and waited, in my khaki skirt and oxford, to meet Gwyn, the girl from Indiana I would be sharing my life with. When she saw me, she was surprised I was white, what with the last name King and the "drawl" she heard when we had talked on the phone. I didn't know I had a drawl until I moved out of Utah! Even though I didn't meet Gwyn's initial expectations, our friendship turned out to be wonderful and enduring, mostly because Gwyn is a genuine, caring, fun, nurturing, easy-going and non-judgmental soul who accepted me with every shortcoming I had. From that first experience, I went on to have all wonderful roommates throughout my college experience, more than 17 of them, counting all the sub-letters who came and went during the summer. The Spaniards, the Catalans, the Guatemalans, the French, German, Dutch, Japanese roommates...I can barely remember some of them. Others, Sonoko Matsuya and Ole Akahoshi, in particular, I spent a good couple of years with.
Here's what my roommates taught me through their good examples:
1. The first thing is, you have to go into the situation assuming that you and your roommates will be lifelong friends. (Then, too, you have to not be disappointed if you don't become besties.) Go into it assuming that these other 3 girls are wonderful, treat them without suspicion, and bond without abandon. These girls want you to like them as much as you want them to like you, so like them. Starting now. It's a choice. And assume they like you, too. That's a hard one, but consciously do it, because it's easier to like someone who has confidence that they're likable.
2. Do more than your share around the apartment. Chances are, your roommates feel like they're doing more than their share, too. So don't keep score, just do those dishes, vacuum that carpet and fold that laundry that's been in the dryer for two days, even if it's not yours.
3. Share your stuff. It's just stuff, but generosity is a lifelong attribute that you would do well to cultivate on a continual basis.
4. I had a roommate, Brad, at the violin making school apartment building who would make a big pot of soup every week...for everyone. Just beans or lentils, but everyone was welcome to come by at lunchtime and have some. So Golda, you come from a big family. Make extra. You know how. And please don't put one of those sad, pathetic little sticky notes on it. "Golda's soup." Ugh, no. How about "Please enjoy!" But then, don't take food out of the fridge that's not yours, either! :)
5. Golda, you're a tidy person. So be tidy and let your roommates be themselves. If they're not as tidy as you, be patient. You will all find a way to live together and be happy, but only if you don't let different styles bug you. If you take upon yourself the neatnik role, make it lighthearted if you hang up their coats or wipe up their cereal. You have to remember that everyone has different priorities, and if someone else's are different than yours, it doesn't mean they should change or that you should be upset. If you want to vacuum every day, great. If someone else doesn't, great. You're not the boss.
6. If someone has an idea (Let's make a chore chart; let's make a list of rules; let's go out to dinner together, let's make cookies!), go with it. Jump on board! Don't nix. Just say yes! Get in there! And throw out a few ideas yourself. As you know, I had lots of fun throwing parties in college. Your parties might be - ahem - different than mine, but put yourself out there and just invite people to have something to do and someone to be with.
7. Don't study too hard. Don't ignore your roommates. They might just need you to notice them and say, "Hey. How was your day?" They might be homesick. Be their person. You're good at writing pretty little notes. Do that. Your roommates will love the little boost.
Bottom line: generosity. Of spirit, of heart, of things, of time, and of yourself, just give. That way, you'll get back more than you could have thought, and before you know it, you'll have 3 new friends standing by you saying, "I can't believe we survived freshman year together!"
Anyone have some good advice for a little college freshman? Golda moves into her new digs in T-minus 11 hours!
So without further ado, here is my Advice on Living With Roommates. When I was 17, my parents drove me to Indiana, bought me a sheet set, a towel, some bins and a mug that said "Scott." Then they left. (That is actually a much longer, more hilarious/tragic story that maybe you've heard...) Anyway, when I moved into my suite in the Read-Clark building next to the music school, my roommate's stuff was already there. So I moved my things into the remaining closet, desk and bed and waited, in my khaki skirt and oxford, to meet Gwyn, the girl from Indiana I would be sharing my life with. When she saw me, she was surprised I was white, what with the last name King and the "drawl" she heard when we had talked on the phone. I didn't know I had a drawl until I moved out of Utah! Even though I didn't meet Gwyn's initial expectations, our friendship turned out to be wonderful and enduring, mostly because Gwyn is a genuine, caring, fun, nurturing, easy-going and non-judgmental soul who accepted me with every shortcoming I had. From that first experience, I went on to have all wonderful roommates throughout my college experience, more than 17 of them, counting all the sub-letters who came and went during the summer. The Spaniards, the Catalans, the Guatemalans, the French, German, Dutch, Japanese roommates...I can barely remember some of them. Others, Sonoko Matsuya and Ole Akahoshi, in particular, I spent a good couple of years with.
Here's what my roommates taught me through their good examples:
1. The first thing is, you have to go into the situation assuming that you and your roommates will be lifelong friends. (Then, too, you have to not be disappointed if you don't become besties.) Go into it assuming that these other 3 girls are wonderful, treat them without suspicion, and bond without abandon. These girls want you to like them as much as you want them to like you, so like them. Starting now. It's a choice. And assume they like you, too. That's a hard one, but consciously do it, because it's easier to like someone who has confidence that they're likable.
2. Do more than your share around the apartment. Chances are, your roommates feel like they're doing more than their share, too. So don't keep score, just do those dishes, vacuum that carpet and fold that laundry that's been in the dryer for two days, even if it's not yours.
3. Share your stuff. It's just stuff, but generosity is a lifelong attribute that you would do well to cultivate on a continual basis.
4. I had a roommate, Brad, at the violin making school apartment building who would make a big pot of soup every week...for everyone. Just beans or lentils, but everyone was welcome to come by at lunchtime and have some. So Golda, you come from a big family. Make extra. You know how. And please don't put one of those sad, pathetic little sticky notes on it. "Golda's soup." Ugh, no. How about "Please enjoy!" But then, don't take food out of the fridge that's not yours, either! :)
5. Golda, you're a tidy person. So be tidy and let your roommates be themselves. If they're not as tidy as you, be patient. You will all find a way to live together and be happy, but only if you don't let different styles bug you. If you take upon yourself the neatnik role, make it lighthearted if you hang up their coats or wipe up their cereal. You have to remember that everyone has different priorities, and if someone else's are different than yours, it doesn't mean they should change or that you should be upset. If you want to vacuum every day, great. If someone else doesn't, great. You're not the boss.
6. If someone has an idea (Let's make a chore chart; let's make a list of rules; let's go out to dinner together, let's make cookies!), go with it. Jump on board! Don't nix. Just say yes! Get in there! And throw out a few ideas yourself. As you know, I had lots of fun throwing parties in college. Your parties might be - ahem - different than mine, but put yourself out there and just invite people to have something to do and someone to be with.
7. Don't study too hard. Don't ignore your roommates. They might just need you to notice them and say, "Hey. How was your day?" They might be homesick. Be their person. You're good at writing pretty little notes. Do that. Your roommates will love the little boost.
Bottom line: generosity. Of spirit, of heart, of things, of time, and of yourself, just give. That way, you'll get back more than you could have thought, and before you know it, you'll have 3 new friends standing by you saying, "I can't believe we survived freshman year together!"
Anyone have some good advice for a little college freshman? Golda moves into her new digs in T-minus 11 hours!
5 comments:
Love this!!! Wish I'd heard it before I moved in to the dorm at the Bible College I attended. It would have taken me far.
Great advice mom!!
Now....if I 'pin' this, will it still be here in 12 years when Hannah needs it? ;)
This is the best advice! I am only about 5 years out of college, but still, my college roommates really did become my very best friends and we still keep in touch even though we live all over the country! I think you are spot on- generosity is the key (really in all relationships). Good luck to Golda!
I love every word. I only lived away for about a semester, so here is my advice. Get involved. School is important, but you're also there to have an experience so enjoy it. Get involved, go to that party even if you don't think you'll know anyone, volunteer for stuff, etc. You'll have a great year. We love ya!!!
This is an excellent post. May I add, remember that your roommates all come from different circumstances. One may be the first in her family to attend college, she or another may have to work super hard at multiple part-time jobs to pay her way through. One may have everything handed to her, doesn't need to work, and will have leisure time to spare. Some will be cultured, some will be religious, some will be apathetic. Don't form cliques, alliances, what-have-you, on any of these criteria. Don't form them at all. Just be friends. (And if your roommate works late on campus, please, please don't repeatedly lock the interior keyless deadbolt and make her have to throw snowballs at the window to wake you! Ahem.) As for #6, yes, be game for any idea, but if it doesn't work out for you after trying it (like buying groceries and cooking together, but not saving dinner for said campus employee), kindly withdraw and look for the next great idea to do together.
Golda, I think you will be a roommate dream come true! You are an exemplary student whose cheerful kindness will attract the best kind of friends. I'm thinking of you on this adventure and will certainly miss you in the neighborhood!
All right we officially print this and give it to all of the little chicks as they leave the nest! And you are right, being kind always gets you further than anything else.
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