I keep waiting for a few quiet moments that I can use to put some thoughts in writing, but it doesn't happen. It's been since about last April that I've had either a quiet moment or a thought. As much as I love to write and sort out thoughts that way, that type of luxury doesn't seem to be part of my current lifestyle. That's OK for now, but with the school year starting, I have to have a plan for keeping some of the little time I have, as well as my sanity. I think when you have little kids, you start to look for ways to be out in the world as they get out of the baby phase. You say yes to everything because you're so desperate for adult interaction, and tired of being limited by naptimes and feeding schedules. Mommy and me class! Library story time! Playgroup! Yes, yes, yes!
I have always been a joiner, so that "throw your hat in every ring" mentality suited me great. But every year, I have to hone my "NO" skills even further. That quote I included a while ago, about having all the energy and inspiration you need, once you find your path...I use that as my guide. It helps that, as I get older, I can predict my limitations better. After that, it's a matter of sticking to your guns, to use a metaphor that doesn't really seem to suit a liberal pacifist such as myself.
Anyway, the things I say no to are different than the things someone else says no to, which is good. We need parents who are fired up about PTA. I'm not. I don't believe in some of the programs the PTA funds, and I'm finally comfortable with the notion that I don't have to donate to something just because it's expected. So we gave our money directly to the kids' teachers this year. I know it seems disloyal to the hard-working parents who are knocking themselves out to keep the PTA strong, but look: it cost us over five hundred dollars to register all of our kids for school, and the fees are still trickling in. So Red Ribbon Week is going to have to be on someone else's radar this year.
I am also a no on carpooling, to the extent that I can get away with it. There are a couple of great carpool in my neighborhood for the junior high, but I opted out of them with Ari. The first day, when I saw Ari's darling friends all piling into a suburban together, I felt a twinge of guilt that Ari was missing out on that. On the other hand, I get 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon to talk about Ari's day, her homework, her plan for getting everything done, what's going on in her mind. I like that more than I like delivering 5 hyper pre-teens to their homes once a week in exchange for waiting on the other days for carpool to show up. And actually, logistically, the cello kindof precludes participation in a carpool, since it takes up a whole seat, not to mention ballet right after school twice a week. My neighbors are so nice about me opting out, too. I love the no-drama aspect of my neighborhood.
Sometimes I say no to things I feel guilty about, though. But realistically, I only have so much energy, so much will. I wish, oh I wish that I were a person who had the will to go to the gym. But I don't, I just don't have it in me. I could set up an exercise plan for myself, but I just don't have "all the energy and inspiration I need" for something like that, and I know I would fail. Regretfully, I set that aside for yet another season, wondering as I drive past all the joggers and bikers if I'll ever have that kind of motivation. For now, I have to tell myself that it's OK that I don't, and move on. Same with canning, same with gardening, same with...well, you get the idea.
I have to admit, it's nice to be older and have some things figured out. I know that I'm going to be able to get Ari to cello in Cottonwood at 6:30 in the morning every Friday, no problem, just like I know that I would never in a million years be able to drag myself to the gym at 6 am on any day. Because sitting in a cello lesson is as gratifying and fun for me as it would be miserable for someone else.
It's not a perfect system. The kids still have interests that don't match mine. We still have horrific scheduling conflicts, and our family is going to have to make some unpopular choices this year, leaving some important things on the table for later. But that's life. Even with my determination to say no, there are things I would LOVE to have time for. I used to teach English at the Guadalupe School. I used to work with immigrants, getting them set up with household items and helping them with paperwork. I used to spend a lot of time studying Spanish. I used to love playing in orchestras. Those things have been on the back burner for so long, they're probably rotten, but it's OK because I know that, at this point, everything I choose takes the place of something else. And there are only so many slots.
That is the fundamental thing that is so difficult to admit and recognize: that every commitment precludes another commitment. This year's goal: to commit to only the things I feel passionate about, the things I have energy for, and the things I feel good about supporting. That said, I guess my writing time is up because little people are hungry. After all, they haven't eaten for 20 whole minutes. Do I have all the inspiration and energy I need to nourish these humans 20 times a day? And don't talk to me about meal plans. Those are on my "no" list.
I have always been a joiner, so that "throw your hat in every ring" mentality suited me great. But every year, I have to hone my "NO" skills even further. That quote I included a while ago, about having all the energy and inspiration you need, once you find your path...I use that as my guide. It helps that, as I get older, I can predict my limitations better. After that, it's a matter of sticking to your guns, to use a metaphor that doesn't really seem to suit a liberal pacifist such as myself.
Anyway, the things I say no to are different than the things someone else says no to, which is good. We need parents who are fired up about PTA. I'm not. I don't believe in some of the programs the PTA funds, and I'm finally comfortable with the notion that I don't have to donate to something just because it's expected. So we gave our money directly to the kids' teachers this year. I know it seems disloyal to the hard-working parents who are knocking themselves out to keep the PTA strong, but look: it cost us over five hundred dollars to register all of our kids for school, and the fees are still trickling in. So Red Ribbon Week is going to have to be on someone else's radar this year.
I am also a no on carpooling, to the extent that I can get away with it. There are a couple of great carpool in my neighborhood for the junior high, but I opted out of them with Ari. The first day, when I saw Ari's darling friends all piling into a suburban together, I felt a twinge of guilt that Ari was missing out on that. On the other hand, I get 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon to talk about Ari's day, her homework, her plan for getting everything done, what's going on in her mind. I like that more than I like delivering 5 hyper pre-teens to their homes once a week in exchange for waiting on the other days for carpool to show up. And actually, logistically, the cello kindof precludes participation in a carpool, since it takes up a whole seat, not to mention ballet right after school twice a week. My neighbors are so nice about me opting out, too. I love the no-drama aspect of my neighborhood.
Sometimes I say no to things I feel guilty about, though. But realistically, I only have so much energy, so much will. I wish, oh I wish that I were a person who had the will to go to the gym. But I don't, I just don't have it in me. I could set up an exercise plan for myself, but I just don't have "all the energy and inspiration I need" for something like that, and I know I would fail. Regretfully, I set that aside for yet another season, wondering as I drive past all the joggers and bikers if I'll ever have that kind of motivation. For now, I have to tell myself that it's OK that I don't, and move on. Same with canning, same with gardening, same with...well, you get the idea.
I have to admit, it's nice to be older and have some things figured out. I know that I'm going to be able to get Ari to cello in Cottonwood at 6:30 in the morning every Friday, no problem, just like I know that I would never in a million years be able to drag myself to the gym at 6 am on any day. Because sitting in a cello lesson is as gratifying and fun for me as it would be miserable for someone else.
It's not a perfect system. The kids still have interests that don't match mine. We still have horrific scheduling conflicts, and our family is going to have to make some unpopular choices this year, leaving some important things on the table for later. But that's life. Even with my determination to say no, there are things I would LOVE to have time for. I used to teach English at the Guadalupe School. I used to work with immigrants, getting them set up with household items and helping them with paperwork. I used to spend a lot of time studying Spanish. I used to love playing in orchestras. Those things have been on the back burner for so long, they're probably rotten, but it's OK because I know that, at this point, everything I choose takes the place of something else. And there are only so many slots.
That is the fundamental thing that is so difficult to admit and recognize: that every commitment precludes another commitment. This year's goal: to commit to only the things I feel passionate about, the things I have energy for, and the things I feel good about supporting. That said, I guess my writing time is up because little people are hungry. After all, they haven't eaten for 20 whole minutes. Do I have all the inspiration and energy I need to nourish these humans 20 times a day? And don't talk to me about meal plans. Those are on my "no" list.
5 comments:
I love when you get to a point in life where you know who you are, what you're about, and where you need to spend you time. All of those things on the back burner will always be there. But your littles.... they are growing and will move on to their own lives. This time in life is fleeting so enjoy the ride. But... you already know that and do that. :)
I greatly appreciate your viewpoint and hope this post wasn't in response to someone questioning your priorities. You know what works best for you and your family. How can anyone else dispute the results?
I'm with you on the PTA. I love the art program the PTA provides, but I don't think about the rest one way or another.
Let people who are passionate about something be involved, without looking down on those of us who aren't as enthused. We have our own passions, you know. James has a super dedicated volunteer soccer coach. I couldn't do that at all, and thankfully the city program doesn't guilt me into feeling bad about that.
Re carpools, I learned someone told his wife to refer carpool issues to me. "Let Jennifer feel her mantle," he said. Uh, no. Thankfully she and I laughed about it.
You are great! I love that you say "yes" to visiting Nana!
I'm so glad that writing is still making you list! I love this post on so many levels! I have learned the beauty of these things from you and I am so grateful! I do love my mom's contribution too when she taught me that you can just say no. You don't have to explain or make an excuse you can just say "I'm sorry I can't do that". So liberating!
So true! I had to laugh because I get up at 5:20 almost every morning to work out- but would never get up that early for music lessons! To each his own:)LOL I love it!
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