I went to a very fun 9-year-old's birthday party yesterday and my fears were confirmed: Childhood no longer exists. The kids were standing in line to have a whack at the pinata when pockets started ringing. It was nearing the end of the party and parents were calling their kids. One at a time, a little one would hear her phone, glance around apologetically, answer with a breathy, "Hello?" and walk away from the pinata line with one hand covering an ear so she could hear the person on the other end of the line. "Oh, we're just doing the pinata now. OK, I'll call you when we do the cake. Bye, Mom!"
The way the little girls imitated grown-ups on their phones was almost grotesque. The fact that kids can't get through a neighborhood birthday party without the aid of a cell phone is sad to me.
Is the world really so different now, or are we just more fearful? Our town has one kidnapping on record, and it happened when I was about nine. Based on the facts, we are safe here. I like the motto, "Live by what you know, not by what you fear." But I still hardly ever let my kids out of my sight. They don't roam, they don't explore, except when I take them on walks to show them where I roamed and explored as a kid. I never let them swim unless I'm right there. When they sell lemonade, they do it in our driveway at the bottom of our cul-de-sac instead of up on the corner. How sad is that?
On the other hand, spending your childhood bouncing around a Buick, tying the seat belts together to make a swing in the back seat while waiting for your mom in the parking lot of the fabric store isn't the best way to guarantee survival. Anything could have happened! We rode our bikes to swimming lessons, got dropped off at the mall, walked a mile alone to friends' houses. And we didn't call when we got there. Despite all of this, any of my friends can tell you that my dad seemed very overprotective at the time. Granted, I did have to wear arm floaties in the pool until I was, like, 15, if my dad wasn't there to keep an eye on me.
I grew up on the edge of a huge, unincorporated wilderness. I clearly remember being lost in the woods several times, with and without my little brothers, in the summer and in the snow. We had our landmarks: the broken-down truck with the swear words spray-painted on the side. The giant anthill. The stream at the bottom of the shady gully. The pond, which we were strongly cautioned NEVER to go near. But we still got disoriented. One time, we climbed up what we though was a steep hill. It was snowing hard, and we were trying to get a visual on our house so we knew which direction to go. The "hill" turned out to be a stand of trees, bowed over and covered by the snow. We broke through the snow, fell to the ground below and had trouble digging our way out. When we got home, it was dark. And nobody was worried!
So how do I give my little humans the independence and confidence I gained as a kid? I want them to have the exact same carefree childhood I had, but I'm not willing to take the risks. My parents let me live alone in Paris when I was 14. Roaming the city all by myself, riding the Metro, exploring neighborhoods, was fabulous and formative. Yet I can't imagine turning one of my kids loose like that. My parents don't even remember being worried about it. My question: Can we give our kids that same freedom? Tell me how.
Come to think of it, this would be a great discussion to have when we do the book review for The Glass Castle May 26! Hmm...
6 comments:
I totally agree- people are paranoid- and my son had a cell phone at age 5! Of course it's never charged and he doesn't remember to bring it with him, but somehow it helps me.
As for the snowfall where you had to dig out, were you by chance one of the younger kids so your parents weren't as worried about you? The littles always get away with everything. BTW, you are on my reader now, LOVED the parenting post and your comments on my blog!
I feel a loss of freedom for my children also. My dad recorded stories about growing up for my kids. I was listening to it the other day and thinking the same thing- I would never let my kids do that.
I struggle with the same thing, one of the reasons we moved back to Kaysville is because really it is just not that different than it was when I was growing up (more people, but crime is the same).
We were talking the other day about visiting Grandma in Roy and during the summer all (me and the boys, and our cousins) being given $2 and sent over to "The Complex" (public swimming pool) to swim for the day ($1 to get into the pool for the afternoon, and $1 to walk across the street to get ice cream at "Dairy Stop" after). Nothing even remotely interesting ever happened, and yet I don't think I would let Jake do the same thing.
I remember in the summer leaving the house first thing, and only checking in back home for lunch (if we couldn't score a sandwich at a friend's house) and in the evening when dad came home.
Jake keeps asking to go over to the park, directly across the street from our house,a park where I can see him from the front yard quite easily (and the road is a bit busy but nothing he can't handle). Yet I keep saying no, I have no idea why, Gailey Park has been their for many years, nothing even remotly dangerous has happened there, and really the odds that something is going to happen to Jake with me right across the street watching are almost non-existant.
And yet, I still say no.
I think it's constantly being bombarded (in a way that parents weren't when we were kids after all there was no 24 hour a day cable news) with media that is telling us all the scary things that coule possibly happen (and yet amazingly for the vast majority of people don't happen).
Our parents protected us from the things they knew to be afraid of.. ponds and pools. Fortunately or unfortunately we know so much more. I don't really worry too much about kidnapping it's pretty rare like you said.. it's pedophiles that worry me and there are plenty of those that caused severe damage in our neighborhood when we were kids.
The cell phone thing is sad.. but when I send c anywhere in the neighborhood and I'm not right with her.. I send her with a walkie-talkie.. the phone is right around the corner for me.
Just an interesting fact. My cousin lives in Virginia. I asked her if she worries about kidnapping/pedophiles or bad guys in general. She had done the zip search and found 0 offenders in her area. I was shocked/thrilled for her/ but really surprised. In another conversation she told me that the principle of the school makes each parent sign their children in and out of school. You line up in a line in your car and sign to pick up your children. Ofcourse there are not pedophiles in that neighborhood.. Sadly, it seems like the kids are in jail rather than the bad guys. Our society doesn't value it's children enough .. or their liberty until they either lock these guys who harm children up permanently or send them to the electric chair.. I don't really care which.
It makes me sad that c is missing the exploring and all the fun that I had as a kid! (luckily I had Robert there to save me the time I got stuck up to my hips in mud at the ponds.. yeah.. we weren't supposed to be there.. we crawled under the fence.. I needed some tad poles to float in the toilet bowl!)
I am in the position, because of what has happened to our family, of being in a CONSTANT state of worry. It is exhausting and very difficult on our children. They have been forever changed, and I know that our 12 year old has been robbed of much of his childhood. I was always a worrier though. There are very few people I trust with our children. I fear that the world might never go back to the way it was when I was young. However, there were pedophiles around us then... we just didn't find out about them until we grew up and heard the stories. As for cell phones, I refuse to allow any of my children under 16 to have one. For one thing, I think they actually put children in MORE danger. Other children/teens can call them at any time, with parents unaware. We used to have to get through parents on their home phone to call our friends. We have had a few experiences with our teens, where they have been at parties that sudenly took a dangerous turn, simply because someone called someone that wasn't invited, and the next thing, a bunch of uninvited guests showed up. Trouble!
This is such an interesting discussion. I have actually been thinking a lot about this... probably because of the book we are all reading! But, I agree with everyone on different levels. I am with Tiffany-- I'm not so much scared of the Kidnappings, its the pedophiles. We had such a tramautic experience in our neighborhood growing up with the pedophiles, that that is what scares me the most. This man looked SO trustworthy--- and yet. He SO was not. It taught me a valuable lesson at a very young age-- no one is who they seem. For good AND bad.
I agree with Michelle in the fact that we are bombarded with 24 hour news and all the things that "can" go wrong (and have gone wrong somewhere-- why else are they reporting it?) and it makes us hyper sensitive. But, I think that living with the idea "oh. this is kaysville, nothing bad has EVER happened here" is not a safe way to live. We just aren't aware of what bad is happening here. Thats all. I know that on my little street where I live, some VERY bad things have happened. But the rest of the town doesn't know... its not been on the news.
I agree with Paige-- I am paranoid. My children have cell phones (gasp)! But, for me it gave me a sense of comfort(?) that my children were only a few taps of the phone pad away. When we first moved here, my son kept getting lost walking to friends houses or to grandmas house -- the cell phone was a must so that I could easily find him. I take them at night, so there are no unwanted late night phone calls. AND they are those track phones. They have to learn how to budget their minutes. I read my oldests text messages AND emails. They know this and are ok with this. I am hyper vigilant with my kids... I am scared for them. I don't think the world is any more dangerous (except for the internet of course) I just think we hear about it more.
I loved hearing about Tiffany's cousin-- in our old school, we had to sign our kids in and out of school. And when we picked them up. If my child was going to go home with another parent, I had to physically write a note, AND call to let them who they were and what their names were. They looked at photo id when they would come. All the doors were locked except for the front doors, and before you had even finished entering the doors, there was someone there finding out why you were there, and who you were. AT first it irritated me. Then, I felt comforted and LOVED it! I knew my kids were safe at school... here in Kaysville? I don't feel the same way. All the doors are open, any Tom, Harry or Bob could be coming in and out of that school, and know one would know. There are 3 registered sex offenders within walking distance of my childrens school-- that totally freaks me out! I felt safer away from Kaysville than I do now.
I also agree with you Circe-- this is an EXCELLENT question for the book group!
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