I'm going to tell you why I'm so annoyed. Here it is, and I'm just going to put it out there: a neighbor came over the other day and said, "I'm trying to be a more authentic person, so I just wanted to tell you that I criticized you the whole time you were the primary music leader, and that wasn't fair because you tried."
"I tried?"
"Yes, you tried. So it was my problem, not your problem."
"Well, it sucks that you told me that, but OK."
Honestly, I love this woman, and I always have. I am going to assume that her motives were good, but that doesn't change the fact that it ruined my weekend, and I still can't get it out of my head.
That music job was a calling that I felt good about, given that 1. I have lots of kids, and I know most of the kids in the area 2. I am a music teacher by profession 3. I have 40 years of experience in the LDS church, so I know the music and the doctrine. Early on in my music calling, I was called in by a member of the bishopric who told me that I wasn't doing a good job and asked, "Do you have ANY training?" I wanted to quit this stupid "volunteer" gig after that, because frankly that encounter ruined it for me, but I didn't because I loved the children, and I thought I might as well be doing something I was good at as something I didn't know how to do. Besides, the kids ALWAYS said that music was their favorite part of primary. So I stuck with it, enjoying my time with the children and trying to push away the feelings of inadequacy the official criticism brought. I focused on the friendly faces in the crowd, one of whom was the neighbor that just told me that she, in fact, criticized me the whole time. Wow. Man, this calling just keeps haunting me! I'm not even doing that calling anymore and it's still being brought to my attention that I was bad at it! Can you imagine how people feel who are maybe new to the church and/or feel less than equal to the tasks they are given?
It's interesting when you get negative feedback, how much more powerful than positive feedback it is. Just because of that thoughtless act by my neighbor, I feel like I am now a harbinger of negativity. All the energy I put out is black, and everyone feels it. My ability to contribute anything worthwhile to my life or anyone else's has been completely wiped out. All my motivation is now sucked up by trying to process that someone who I thought was a friend felt like she needed to tell me that she criticized my efforts in the primary for three years! I can't get over the thought that probably other people are going around silently hating me, too. She couldn't be the only one, could she? At church yesterday, I walked around thinking, "I have absolutely nothing to contribute here."
So if you have any advice about how to get over the bad things that happen, let me know. I have to put this behind me and get back to being a present mother, wife, teacher, daughter, friend and neighbor. I forgive this woman for sure, but I'm still destroyed. I'm that weak. It's just awful.
"I tried?"
"Yes, you tried. So it was my problem, not your problem."
"Well, it sucks that you told me that, but OK."
Honestly, I love this woman, and I always have. I am going to assume that her motives were good, but that doesn't change the fact that it ruined my weekend, and I still can't get it out of my head.
That music job was a calling that I felt good about, given that 1. I have lots of kids, and I know most of the kids in the area 2. I am a music teacher by profession 3. I have 40 years of experience in the LDS church, so I know the music and the doctrine. Early on in my music calling, I was called in by a member of the bishopric who told me that I wasn't doing a good job and asked, "Do you have ANY training?" I wanted to quit this stupid "volunteer" gig after that, because frankly that encounter ruined it for me, but I didn't because I loved the children, and I thought I might as well be doing something I was good at as something I didn't know how to do. Besides, the kids ALWAYS said that music was their favorite part of primary. So I stuck with it, enjoying my time with the children and trying to push away the feelings of inadequacy the official criticism brought. I focused on the friendly faces in the crowd, one of whom was the neighbor that just told me that she, in fact, criticized me the whole time. Wow. Man, this calling just keeps haunting me! I'm not even doing that calling anymore and it's still being brought to my attention that I was bad at it! Can you imagine how people feel who are maybe new to the church and/or feel less than equal to the tasks they are given?
It's interesting when you get negative feedback, how much more powerful than positive feedback it is. Just because of that thoughtless act by my neighbor, I feel like I am now a harbinger of negativity. All the energy I put out is black, and everyone feels it. My ability to contribute anything worthwhile to my life or anyone else's has been completely wiped out. All my motivation is now sucked up by trying to process that someone who I thought was a friend felt like she needed to tell me that she criticized my efforts in the primary for three years! I can't get over the thought that probably other people are going around silently hating me, too. She couldn't be the only one, could she? At church yesterday, I walked around thinking, "I have absolutely nothing to contribute here."
So if you have any advice about how to get over the bad things that happen, let me know. I have to put this behind me and get back to being a present mother, wife, teacher, daughter, friend and neighbor. I forgive this woman for sure, but I'm still destroyed. I'm that weak. It's just awful.
7 comments:
I am amazed that even if someone thought those things …that they would say them out loud!
I want you to know that Mark and I think you are amazing! It is a joy everyday to read about what you and your wonderful family have done. (even the stories about leaving the mouse at the dentists office etc.. haha priceless memories)
Thank you for sharing..we want you to know we love you! and as Nana would say.. we think you are "Practically Perfect"
Marla
If indeed this criticism thing was this woman's problem, and not yours, (which criticism is ALWAYS the criticizer's problem), then there should have been no reason for her to bring it up to you. This should have involved her, the Lord, and some serious repentance. So her problem has now become your problem. Because that was hurtful. Just plain hurtful. I received that calling and served in that capacity for almost two years. I cried and shook my fists at the heavens when issued the call because I have always been horribly self-conscience of my singing voice. I wasn't worried about all of the children judging me, I was worried about the adults. And for good reason, I see. So sorry. I wish I could tell you just to brush it off, let it slide off your back. But I know that that is not always easily done. I have learned that negative criticism never helps. It generally only hurts. Having served in that calling, all I can say is that you deserve special blessings for your service and that you probably blessed the lives of those little ones in simple but important ways. Try to keep that in the forefront of your mind as you work through the hurt feelings.
I don't know you personally. I can't even remember how I found your blog; but I enjoy reading it immensely. I'm a teacher in the Layton area and have found your posts on the public education system enlightening. I felt moved to comment because as I read this post I thought "Funny, I've been silently praising this woman for years." I served as the Relief Society chorister for only one year and to this day in haunts me. I TRIED my best and felt that I was putting all my efforts into it, but I too had someone close to me reveal that they thought I was horrible at the job. It's unfortunate that people feel the need to burden others with their hateful thoughts. It's clear to me that the "friend" divulged this to make themselves feel better. They feel they have cleared their conscience, and you're left feeling awful about yourself. It's taken me a great deal of time, but I've learned that I cannot judge members of the church for their actions. I do my best to push away negative thoughts and realize all the good I have to offer. Life's too short to waste on others people's ignorance.
Wow! That is crazy that your neighbor would even say that! Do NOT let that one comment make you doubt how totally great you are. Please know that there are probably hundreds of us who admire you. Who are amazed at how you get so much accomplished-and make it look easy and calm. Who are in awe of you and the fact that you are raising amazing, smart, talented, kind, strong, and beautiful children, while taking the time to help so many other children. I can think of no one better to be the Primary music leader than you!
Move to Boston. That kind of crap doesn't happen here.
I wish I had been in primary every week with you leading the music! Children and Music are are part of your soul - always have been and always will be - nobody can take that away from you & all the children that you influenced for good. I hate that this happened to you. Life isn't fair.
I've been on the receiving end of "helpful feedback" as well. It took me a "bit / long time :)" to process it. The church stuff is tough. I always try and remember what Ryan tells me. "No one gets up that morning thinking that today is the day they are just going to be lazy, hurtful, inept, lacking etc." Everyone is trying the best they can based on the circumstances in their lives. Hopefully your neighbor can remember that the next time she has an opinion about someone in a calling. (Not that you sucked. I'm sure you rocked it.) I know you've already forgiven her. Maybe if the rest of us use that advice about people doing the best they can, we can all be less judgmental. The church is full of imperfect people all striving to do their best - even if their best is rude. :) I'm so sorry that happened. If anything, now you know what not to do when you are bugged by someone else. What was it that my mom use to say? "If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all." :) Hugs to you. It was two people who had issues, and from the back story, I'm sure they were connected. The children were what mattered. You were there to serve them. And from their feedback, you nailed it for sure. Love ya!
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