Ever since I got back last week, my equilibrium has been off. I've been disgruntled and restless. Not sad or grumpy, but restless. After several days of analyzing why, I figured it out, and it's not pretty: The trip I took with my girlfriends is literally the LEAST amount of responsibility I have had since at least 1997, when Golda was born. No, I take that back. There were two days in Hong Kong when Scott and I were on our way to get Xanthe that were pretty carefree. But this time, I wasn't in charge of one. single. thing. All the travel was planned. All I had to do was follow the leader, laughing boisterously as I went. Even the beach towels were handed to us whenever we wanted them.
Yes, I have been on vacations, and fun ones. Everyone knows I have a great time on vacation, love to plan travel, love to travel, and love to come home. I love being with Scott and my children, but even at the beach, we do laundry and feed kids and all that. I mean, that's not a big deal, compared to all the fun we have together, but it's different than being completely free of any responsibility whatsoever, right? In Puerto Rico, I had a towel handed to me every time I stepped foot on the sand. I didn't even have to hang it up to dry! The only thing I had to do was remember my room number, which, sadly, I was pretty bad at, my brain being in a state of hibernation. So coming home from a trip has never been so brutal, the joy of seeing Scott and the kids notwithstanding. I think it's the lack of responsibility I had during those few days, contrasted with, you know, having seven kids, teaching and selling violins, not to mention church, kids' school and a myriad of interpersonal relationships to maintain. In other words, life.
Don't get me wrong. My life is far from monotonous and I am grateful each day that my life is pretty much just how I want it. Except that when I got back from paradise, I compared my life to vacation and life just came up short. I can't tell which parts of my lack of motivation are related to the end of the school year and which parts are legitimate. We all get burned out this time of year. Of course floating in the ocean is going to sound like more fun that trying to scrounge up a coonskin cap and leather boots for Mountain Man Day, or trying to talk your nine-year-old son out of singing "Neon River" for his talent show.
I guess my problem is, I have to reconnect with the part of me that loves the responsibility of running a streamlined, successful household. And I'd better hurry and find that desire, because with school ending, things will be anything but streamlined, and I will have the unenviable job of overseeing chores and practicing (but only through June! Yay!).
I have thrived with all these kids up to this point by getting better and better at saying no, cutting things out that aren't central to my goals. I feel another cut coming on. There's nothing like being completely cut off from your responsibilities to make you reevaluate what is important and what is fluff. Fluff, you're outta here, starting with all the stuffed animals that don't have names, all the assignments that aren't for a grade and all the activities that don't pass the "useful" test. Aah, I feel freedom looming already! Can someone hand me a beach towel please? Hello? Anyone?
Yes, I have been on vacations, and fun ones. Everyone knows I have a great time on vacation, love to plan travel, love to travel, and love to come home. I love being with Scott and my children, but even at the beach, we do laundry and feed kids and all that. I mean, that's not a big deal, compared to all the fun we have together, but it's different than being completely free of any responsibility whatsoever, right? In Puerto Rico, I had a towel handed to me every time I stepped foot on the sand. I didn't even have to hang it up to dry! The only thing I had to do was remember my room number, which, sadly, I was pretty bad at, my brain being in a state of hibernation. So coming home from a trip has never been so brutal, the joy of seeing Scott and the kids notwithstanding. I think it's the lack of responsibility I had during those few days, contrasted with, you know, having seven kids, teaching and selling violins, not to mention church, kids' school and a myriad of interpersonal relationships to maintain. In other words, life.
Don't get me wrong. My life is far from monotonous and I am grateful each day that my life is pretty much just how I want it. Except that when I got back from paradise, I compared my life to vacation and life just came up short. I can't tell which parts of my lack of motivation are related to the end of the school year and which parts are legitimate. We all get burned out this time of year. Of course floating in the ocean is going to sound like more fun that trying to scrounge up a coonskin cap and leather boots for Mountain Man Day, or trying to talk your nine-year-old son out of singing "Neon River" for his talent show.
I guess my problem is, I have to reconnect with the part of me that loves the responsibility of running a streamlined, successful household. And I'd better hurry and find that desire, because with school ending, things will be anything but streamlined, and I will have the unenviable job of overseeing chores and practicing (but only through June! Yay!).
I have thrived with all these kids up to this point by getting better and better at saying no, cutting things out that aren't central to my goals. I feel another cut coming on. There's nothing like being completely cut off from your responsibilities to make you reevaluate what is important and what is fluff. Fluff, you're outta here, starting with all the stuffed animals that don't have names, all the assignments that aren't for a grade and all the activities that don't pass the "useful" test. Aah, I feel freedom looming already! Can someone hand me a beach towel please? Hello? Anyone?
5 comments:
I've been there. It's not that you don't love being a mom, it's just that it is hard. Keep up the good work. Here's to surviving the end of the school year.
Reentry is always so rough, but I think it's so important to take those adult vacations. With your spouse, girl friends, or whoever. It is sooo needed to take a break from everything & reconnect with yourself! Every Mom should do it at least once a year. I always think of the classic book Gift From the Sea. Lindbergh took 2 weeks at the beach every year. 2 weeks....if only.
This sounds like a great shelter Convo. I hope shelter isn't on the cut list. :). I totally get what you are saying. There are a few things on my list that need to go as well.
I'm with Jennie, Shelter cannot be on the list. Besides think what you would have to pay for therapy instead:) It would make for good Shelter convo though. You are really good at identifying the necessary and the fluff, I'm sure you will nail it this time too!
Yup...mommy life is exhausting...You do it very well though. Thank your girls again for art and dance classes. My kids loved them:)
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