I wanted to work for JetBlue. To me, being able to fly anywhere for free or almost free, anytime, is nothing short of magical. It's everything I love, for free. So I wanted desperately to provide those benefits for our family. I saw us having all these magical experiences together that we wouldn't have been able to have otherwise...on the white sand beaches of the Caribbean, in the thin blue air at Machu Picchu, spending the day at the Chelsea Market. I turned it over in my head a million different ways, and came up with a way I thought I could make it work. I got accepted to start training at JetBlue.
I knew this gig would be a logistical nightmare, but I reasoned that I could work very late hours, or very early hours. I kept waiting for a feeling or an answer to prayer that it wasn't the right time for me to work more and be away from my children more, but that feeling never came. My brain was clouded with...clouds. The kind you see from a tiny, rectangular window while sipping on free ginger ale and tossing back peanuts.
There was a pinprick of light in the back of my mind that said I needed a voice of reason. So I talked to Scott, and we turned it over between us and came to the inevitable conclusion that it's not my time to have that job. My ginger ale evaporated, my flight landed and I looked around. I was home and I didn't have to go anywhere to provide amazing experiences for our family. I was sad in a broken way to accept that in fact, I actually couldn't go anywhere to provide amazing experiences for our family, because I am too tied up here, providing amazing experiences for our family, such as being available when one of my daughters has an existential crisis at 11 pm. When that happened, the sudden thought blazed into my head like the sun coming up over the flat horizon: "Oh my gosh. What if I were at work right now?"
There was my answer, and it didn't come until after Scott and I had decided what to do. I don't know why, but I was reminded of the scripture in Ether (12:6) "...for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I had wanted a clear-cut answer to the question, "What should I do?" Instead of the answer being delivered on a shaft of light from the heights of heaven, it came from a long, uncomfortable, ultimately good conversation with they guy I'm raising our kids with. The guy I'll always be in partnership with. The guy I forget to rely on, but really should.
So I guess I did get an answer to my prayer after all.
Huh.
I knew this gig would be a logistical nightmare, but I reasoned that I could work very late hours, or very early hours. I kept waiting for a feeling or an answer to prayer that it wasn't the right time for me to work more and be away from my children more, but that feeling never came. My brain was clouded with...clouds. The kind you see from a tiny, rectangular window while sipping on free ginger ale and tossing back peanuts.
There was a pinprick of light in the back of my mind that said I needed a voice of reason. So I talked to Scott, and we turned it over between us and came to the inevitable conclusion that it's not my time to have that job. My ginger ale evaporated, my flight landed and I looked around. I was home and I didn't have to go anywhere to provide amazing experiences for our family. I was sad in a broken way to accept that in fact, I actually couldn't go anywhere to provide amazing experiences for our family, because I am too tied up here, providing amazing experiences for our family, such as being available when one of my daughters has an existential crisis at 11 pm. When that happened, the sudden thought blazed into my head like the sun coming up over the flat horizon: "Oh my gosh. What if I were at work right now?"
There was my answer, and it didn't come until after Scott and I had decided what to do. I don't know why, but I was reminded of the scripture in Ether (12:6) "...for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I had wanted a clear-cut answer to the question, "What should I do?" Instead of the answer being delivered on a shaft of light from the heights of heaven, it came from a long, uncomfortable, ultimately good conversation with they guy I'm raising our kids with. The guy I'll always be in partnership with. The guy I forget to rely on, but really should.
So I guess I did get an answer to my prayer after all.
Huh.
7 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. It's hard to identify what we are doing right how is the most important work we will ever do. Now back to dishes...
I'm sad for you that it won't work right now but so glad you got to your answer in a way you can feel good about. Besides we would miss you too much if you were gone all the time!
or did you? To everything a time and season. Maybe you can do it when Tizzy is in school:)
What a great title! I also love "tossing back peanuts." Your writing is the best, Circ. I think this job is still in your future - just not yet....
I always order ginger ale, too!! YOu are an a VERY exciting adventure tight now! Complete with "barf bags". :)
I know how much you wanted to do it. Quitting my job and doing the kid thing was a challenge for me. I was good at my job. Ryan always told me it will be there for me when I want it. In a way, I didn't believe him. After all, you can't go from a stay at home mom to the level I was at my job. It would take a lot of time and effort. I didn't think it would be worth it when the toddler years were over. I thought I would be too old. But.... as each little went to school and I found more time during my day, I slowly immersed myself in things I love. It is never too late. I still don't think I can swing a full time gig. I was just offered an opportunity to go to Denver in Oct for 2 days of non-profit training. Even those 2 days is taking some adjusting to make it happen. But... I guess my point is, when you are ready, those opportunities will be there. You guys are great at creating experiences for your kids. Your children have already done and seen more than most. And, you are right. I agree with what you said about being available for the family. I don't want to have miss the chance to be in the class, to see them perform, to run cookies late at night to the boy they like. Those are the moments when my heart is involved in the pulse of their lives. Sometimes it seems like a chore, but deep down... it is all I ever wanted. (sorry for the long post.:)
There is a time and a season for all things, still may work out for you, just not yet. God answers our prayers in the way that is best for us and sometimes His answer comes at a date when it is best. Something to think about and look forward to in the future. Meanwhile, it is all the fun things you do with your family, like the three-week trip you just took, not many get to do that, or the fun beach vacations, who knows what is in store in the future. Great Mom, Great Dad, Great family. XO Tricia
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