Comparisons

Here is Xanthe's new and improved room. She loves having all that nice, clean, open space all to herself. The first night, I tried to put her panda blanket on her. She said, "You're making a big mess! Put that back!" So now she sleeps on top of the covers to preserve the wonderfulness of the room.

This little girl has been such a unique blessing in our lives. This pregnancy has given me a completely unexpected insight into Xanthe's history. Early on, when I was sick, the thought occurred to me that Xanthe's birth mother had felt the same way. I wondered what her thoughts were, whether she already had one child and already knew she would have to give this one up, or whether she was praying constantly for a boy she could keep. Later, when I could feel the baby move, I thought about Xanthe's birth mom feeling the same thing. Had she had an ultrasound? Did she love Xanthe already? Did she know what she would have to do? As I grew, I thought about how a woman could possibly hide a pregnancy like so many Chinese women do. Did Xanthe's mother hide her growing pregnancy as long as possible before "visiting relatives?" Why didn't she have an abortion? Did she have any hope during pregnancy that all the aches and pains were for a baby she could keep?

Now, so close to meeting my baby, my heart breaks to think that Xanthe's must have loved her as much as I love Ptolemy, having spent nine months with her. The decision she had to make is so real and utterly incomprehensible to me, as I anticipate holding my baby. Xanthe's mother had four days to hold her. After that, her arms much have ached.

In the delivery room, I think I'll wonder if Xanthe was born in a hospital, if her mother was alone, if she got proper medical care, if there was a moment when she found out her baby was a girl, if she cried. When Ptolemy is four days old, I'll imagine leaving him outside all alone in the early morning and wonder at the strength it would take to do that. Every time I pick up the baby and feed him, I'll be able to think more tangibly about who fed Xanthe and if she got to eat when she cried. I know there were times when she didn't. For those first 13 months of Ptolemy's life, we'll all see how much we missed by not having Xanthe for her first year.

This baby yet to be born has been such a blessing already, for so many reasons. Helping me reflect on Xanthe's birth parents' sacrifice and Xanthe's vulenerability as a tiny baby are treasures I'm grateful to have received through Ptolemy. The opportunity to experience pregnancy with Xanthe's birth mother in mind brings me closer to her and also gives me more admiration and compassion for Xanthe. That extra empathy helps when Xanthe is screaming on the floor about not wanting to wear her eye patch!