After going to all the kids' SEP conferences, I need a translator. Everything is in code these days, a code designed to protect kids' self-esteem. First of all, I think it would be a lot more helpful to talk to the teacher without the child present. That way, I could address concerns without having to put them in code. With Ari's teacher, I wanted to ask her if she noticed Ari having any anger/defiance issues in class. So I had to say, "Have you noticed Ari following instructions and being nice in class? I know she has a strong personality." It's not the same. It's actually a little ridiculous to have to play the PC game.
Golda's teacher says she "can work on" reading harder books. I try to take that seriously, but do I need to? She's reading above grade level and the books she chooses are 300 pages long. I don't like to limit reading choices in any way. And, does "still working on a skill" mean they have fallen behind in it? Can we just say, "You child is struggling in math" and talk about how to fix it? No, we have to say, "Your child is in the blue math group and is showing improvement in some areas." What about the other areas? Is blue remedial? Do we need a tutor? Will she have a hard time next year if she's in the blue group this year?
Report cards, I've found, are not as helpful as I want them to be. Golda got a shockingly terrible grade in vocabulary. Is she stupid? No, it turns out there was only one assignment in vocabulary for the whole term, and everybody bombed on it. Why include that in a report card? And Ruby's report card was so good, it made me wonder if her teacher is too easy. What if I think she's doing great and then her teacher next year says she is behind?
Time will tell whether these kids end up stronger for all the finessing the adults around them do on behalf of their self-esteem. Are we preparing them for life? I really try to seek out situations where the kids get a reality check, like ballet (No treats. Ever.) and practicing music (incremental goals, constant affort). As with all areas of parenting, we're all flying blind to some extent. I can't help but thinking, though, that my own parents' encouraging, supporting, yet hands-off approach worked pretty well. That was back when teachers would say, "Hey, your kid is in the lowest reading group. Here's what we do." Or, "It's time for a math tutor to help you kid get the basics." Is that what they mean now when they say, "You child is still acquiring the skill of long division?" I wish I knew. What do you guys think?
9 comments:
I am with you 100%! I hate the 1-4 system and I always feel like I am communicating in winks and nods at SEP. When the teacher showed me how many words M could read in a minute I found myself trying to hurry and see how many words the other kids were reading on her list just so I would know if he was average or not. As for Golda, I get told the same thing for B, and let her read whatever she wants. I figure as long as she is interested and reading it is okay. She has always read above her grade but still had the attention span of kids her age. Arrrgh!
I know how you feel. This is part of the reason we moved to a private school. The conferences are done with out kids and they all start with a prayer. THat way the spirit guides our conversations and helps us fix the problems we are working on. WIth my OCD child, I couldn't handle the code. I need honesty and honest thoughts and ideas. Thanks for your suggestion on my blog! You are great.
I'm sorry it's so frustrating! I don't have kids in school yet, but I can see how vague it can all be! I would certainly hope that a teacher would make it very clear if your child were REALLY struggling. I always did as a teacher. But I've been told that my perspective is skewed in an area like Kaysville because I taught at a Title 1 school. Those kids couldn't even write their names in 1st grade, or recognize their own names for that matter. Their parents came to SEP's blabbering about their kids being stupid IN FRONT OF THE KID!!! If there's any question in your mind about something in particular I'd email or talk to her later and tell her to be up front so you can help your kid! Good luck!
For the most part I think it's good to have the child present during conferences. A wise teacher can deftly discuss behavior or academic concerns with the parent AND child, helping the child know what needs to be changed. At one conference last year the teacher related that my daughter was impatient with one of the students, to the point of being mean. While this cut me to the core (all I want is for my children to develop compassion), the teacher's matter-of-fact handling helped my daughter understand what she needed to improve.
What's hard for me is when teachers expect parents to dish out the sole consequence, at home, for their child's actions in school. Frankly, when it didn't seem to matter to my son's teacher last year whether he did his homework or not, I felt no need to be the enforcer. Was that wrong of me? Maybe, but I have enough battles to pick.
Amanda's suggestion about emailing is a good one. Most teachers hand out report cards before the conference. You could send an email to the teacher asking for a few private minutes during your conference. (Naturally it's too late for this year!) :)
Ok, my opinion from this side of the country ;) I don't know what SEP is... I am shocked that they have the child there. There may be benefits of that but I believe there needs to be some "alone time" between the parent and teacher where the truth can come out. I am so anti-PC (but PRO-TACTFULNESS - if you know what I mean) it drives me nuts. I just don't think we're doing a service to these kids when we coddle them along (which I do NOT believe you are doing AT ALL!) and then college/real life comes around and then what? OUCH! It's a fine line... Good luck!
Wow, what a controversial topic! My vote is that you ask the teacher for a few minutes sans child or email your concerns. From a teacher's perspective I know that I really appreciate knowing specific parental concerns and try my best to work together to address them. Parents know the child so much better and have great insight. I also LOVE having the child there to talk about positive things. It is such a reinforcer for some children to have the teacher tell the parents good things in front of the them. Coming from an era several decades ago where we were firmly segregated into the "Blue Birds" the "Robins" and the "Swallows" and everyone KNEW where you belonged; it didn't change much from K-6, I love a different approach. Good luck. You are such a great parent. I love your comments and insight on parenting.
It is even tough for the teacher. I had to lay down some things this past conference with a few students and it is pretty hard with the student and usually the entire family right there. I understand the point of making the student part of the goal setting part, but sometimes there are serious issues to be discussed between the parents and teacher. I felt the same way as you at Alex's conference though. Like it was being sugar coated with him right there instead of facing the problems he is actually facing and getting things taken care of. I don't know the answer. Maybe the student will have to leave for a portion of the conference.
It is even tough for the teacher. I had to lay down some things this past conference with a few students and it is pretty hard with the student and usually the entire family right there. I understand the point of making the student part of the goal setting part, but sometimes there are serious issues to be discussed between the parents and teacher. I felt the same way as you at Alex's conference though. Like it was being sugar coated with him right there instead of facing the problems he is actually facing and getting things taken care of. I don't know the answer. Maybe the student will have to leave for a portion of the conference.
Post a Comment