There is no way to do a good job of being a mother. And if there is a way, and you do a good job, nobody will recognize it. Everyone is a Monday-Morning Quarterback when it comes to mothers. "You don't have to be so strict...you are too lenient...you should have seen that coming...you could have handled that better...you should pray more...you expect too much...you have to demand more...you can't let them get away with that...maybe you should do it my way..." And then there's the more direct approach of criticism: "Your kids stay up that late? Wow. You don't have your kids do chores after school? Wow. Your kids don't do ______? Oh. I always make my kids do it. I just tell them how it is."
Freestone said to me this morning, "You are so stupid." I'm sure the rest of you don't "let" your kids talk to you like that, but he said it. Great! More evidence that I'm a bad mom. I let my kids say mean things. We'll file that with how I always embarrass Ruby in public by "yelling" at her to get her homework done, how I make idiotic comments like, "How are you" when I pick up the jr. high carpool, how I don't have enough patience for Ari's stories, how Xanthe got a black eye from me letting the front door hit her, and how I haven't taken Ptolemy to the doctor for his congestion.
As the evidence mounts, we can talk about how I'm always nagging, I never have time to drive kids to the mall, I'm not fun, I don't know how to spell Sacajawea, I have forgotten to buy wart medicine for Ruby's foot for four months now, there's never anything yummy to eat, and my very presence can ruin everybody's day. I'm a complete downer. As much effort as I put into parenting, if any of these kids turn out, they will assume it was in spite of me, not because of.
How many jobs do you know of where you don't get any training, you work 24 hours a day, you can't leave the stress of it at the office, there is no quitting, you don't see results for years if ever, and the best you can hope for is that the people you're working for don't grow up to blame you for all their problems? The hardest part of this job is that you can try, but you won't get it right. Not all the time. I have a few hours to come up with a new strategy before school lets out. Sadly, if my new strategy works today, it probably won't work tomorrow, and I'll be back at square one. This job is thoroughly impossible.
12 comments:
Circ! What in the H are you talking about. Yes... I said the full H word in my mind. :)
You are a FANTASTIC mother.
I think we all just do thing differently. Where you have one methodology, your neighbor has another. However our goals are all the same.
Every family has challenges too. You guys are getting to some tough years. Hormones, even crazier schedules, six kids now, etc. Some days, I think we are all just holding on. The next day will be better.
And... as for not the fun mom etc. Are you kidding me. On the way home from Grandma's last night, we were talking about Adams Camp and the family trips. Collin and the rest of the kids said, "Do we get to stay at Circe's house?" See... they would rather stay at your house than go ON the trip. :)
Hang in there. Grab a few M&M's and the day will get a little brighter. :) Love ya!
Circe, I agree with Jennie - you are a fabulous mother. HOWEVER, I KNOW exactly how you feel. Some days, you can't even breathe right, eh?
Hang in there - have a piece of chocolate and hide in your room for 15 minutes (or more) and then go for it. If people think YOU are a bad mom, send them my way... I'll show them how it's done! ;)
Don't you wish you could bottle up this "Underqualified" feeling and sell it to those kiddos who think THEY want to have babies! It'd STOP THEM IN THEIR TRACKS!!!
(Someone said in church yesterday how we're going to be parents in the eternities and I thought, "Hmmm, not sure that's such a perk right now.")
I'm hurting that you feel this way right now. As far as mothers go, I think you're one of THE BEST! Who dared to say such things to you? (Aside from your kids, I mean -- mine hurl the same kind of insults to me, but Jeff reminds me that they have the immaturity of their ages.) But seriously, what self-respecting grownup would ever plant such seeds of doubt? Don't let them take root. You're amazing.
You know I think only good mothers feel this way sometimes. If you weren't a good mother you wouldn't care that all of that effort you give every day sometimes seems in vain. If I had my way I would bring you a "Best Mother" trophy. You are definitly one of the best and you can tell your kids I said so!
Circe,
You are the best at throwing parties, rolling with the punches, making sure your kids learn about refined things like music and theatre, making your home bright and cheery with tons of beautiful colors, swimming every day in the summer, doing thoughtful things like giving gifts, picking up my kids and all of those thank you notes!!! The list could go on and on. I agree with your post, it seems as if we can never get it right even though we try so hard. One day we are heros and the next the zeros. You really are talented in so many things and being a mother is one of them. Sometimes, I think to myself, why can't you be more easy going like Circe!
Oh and taking Ptoly to the doc, don't bother. I took Kate in and he looked at me like I was paranoid. He said if she is not wheezing, has labored breathing or is breathing more than 60 times in a minute, don't bother bringing her in again for a cough. He said to put a humidifier in her room and let her cough it off, of course he said it nicely but I knew what he was thinking. So there, check that one off your to do list!!
I had a moment of this same thought process today. I left Camden in the other room, pulling videos off the bookcase. I came in a few minutes (who knows how long really) later, he had "spit-up" all over. Then I realize that he was throwing up because he was choking on some paper he had ripped off a movie cover. I felt like a crappy crap Mom. I would have felt even worse had he actually choked (obviously), but it was a close enough call to feel bad about. Best of luck, you and your kids are amazing.
....let's go to a movie. Don't let those kiddoes get you down. Someday they will realize how great you are (and I'm sure they know now...but what kid will admit that?...I didn't!) and you must be doing something right if you are getting such heated "feedback!" Great post. miss you!
You are a fantastic mother! Your advice is well placed and accurate. If someone feels like they must critique your mothering...they must really be hurting inside. I admire what you do.
Circe-
Can I tell you how much I admire you? I would love to be the mother you are. Honestly everyday I ask myself how you do all you can do. Ask Sarah if you don't believe me!:) Don't worry...someday your kids will appreciate you...someday!
Good luck!!!
wowa Mary Poppins has days like these? it is good to hear that you actually are a real person & one of the best Moms I know.....
Wow. You and I are soul sisters. You are stupid and I am lame. We obviously know its not true, but we also know at the moment, it hurts. I am sorry. You sure are great. I feel like I am underqualified to comment, since I wrote a similar post just weeks ago (of course, you were my hero and sent chocolates). Hang in there. TOmorrow, as I found out, they will be telling you that you are the best mom in the world.
I think you are the best!
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