I sometimes secretly wonder what I'm trading by being such a stickler about good grades, playing an instrument and going to lessons. Am I trading too much peace for accomplishment? Is every family toiling away like this, or does it just come easier for some families? Are there moms out there whose kids just excel at everything without strife, nagging, incentive charts and parenting books?
After a long day of practicing and then a long night of homework, Freestone said to me, "Mom, how come you care about everything more than you care about people?"
OUCH!
I took his cute little face in my hands and said, "I care about it because I love you, so I love you more than I love violin or homework. I just have to be the one who helps you with it." Mom doesn't always get to be your best friend. I have to be a teacher and an enforcer, so I have to sacrifice some warm fuzzies along the way. I place value on everything we allow into our lives, from music lessons to dance and sports. Every activity we're involved in has a place in our schedule because it is important. So I can't see throwing up my hands and giving it all up because there's friction. That would be like not going to church because it's too hard to find socks or someone whines about not wanting to go. I love what we're working for in our little family. What I want to remember, though, is that Scott and I are doing all of this teaching, driving and pushing because we love our kids. I never want the kids to get the idea that we love their accomplishments more than we love them, or that we'll love them less if they disappoint us. On the other hand, not having high expectations for my children would be, for me, telling them that I don't care. I guess I have to show them that I care in a more loving way. "Speak softly and carry a big sticker chart?" Hmm...
Poor little Freestone clearly wasn't getting the "love" part of my parenting philosophy the other day. I'll have to make sure he gets a bigger dose of that. Because if your mama doesn't love you, what good is a finished homework packet? No good at all.
After a long day of practicing and then a long night of homework, Freestone said to me, "Mom, how come you care about everything more than you care about people?"
OUCH!
I took his cute little face in my hands and said, "I care about it because I love you, so I love you more than I love violin or homework. I just have to be the one who helps you with it." Mom doesn't always get to be your best friend. I have to be a teacher and an enforcer, so I have to sacrifice some warm fuzzies along the way. I place value on everything we allow into our lives, from music lessons to dance and sports. Every activity we're involved in has a place in our schedule because it is important. So I can't see throwing up my hands and giving it all up because there's friction. That would be like not going to church because it's too hard to find socks or someone whines about not wanting to go. I love what we're working for in our little family. What I want to remember, though, is that Scott and I are doing all of this teaching, driving and pushing because we love our kids. I never want the kids to get the idea that we love their accomplishments more than we love them, or that we'll love them less if they disappoint us. On the other hand, not having high expectations for my children would be, for me, telling them that I don't care. I guess I have to show them that I care in a more loving way. "Speak softly and carry a big sticker chart?" Hmm...
Poor little Freestone clearly wasn't getting the "love" part of my parenting philosophy the other day. I'll have to make sure he gets a bigger dose of that. Because if your mama doesn't love you, what good is a finished homework packet? No good at all.
9 comments:
Let me know what you figure out. I think I'm too lenient the other way. After homework is done, it seems that _I_ am done - with trying to stick my kids to their other stuff. Brushing teeth twice a day? Clean underwear? Only on good days.
My kids have said the SAME, really, the SAME thing to me as Free said to you. I have even got variations, like, "You want good grades more than me." "A clean house is more important to you than our family." I hate it when kids call you out like that.
It is a balance, that's for sure. I had some of these same thoughts last night as Lex and I were going over her grades for a list minute check to see if everything that could be turned in was in fact turned in for the term end. I was kind of riding her because she was getting a lower mark in Orch for not turning in a practice sheet. We had a big talk about how this class was a gift for her GPA - if all she did was turn in that paper. The lesson will be if she in on probabtion from cheer for not turning in the orch paper. I think my role is to teach, but in the end, it is her responsibility. Although, I admit, sometimes that is easier said than done. I also have to constantly check myself to make sure our schedule isn't coming before our family - thus cutting back a bit on therapy right now. J needs a break. But... that isn't to say we will stop working on areas where he struggles. I think it is always okay to reassess and revamp. Life is always changing and so are our needs and our kids needs. I think you do a great job of looking at each one of your children and identifing what activity or assignment will have value for them and help them achieve their goals. Each child is going to be different. I have to remember that every day. Anyway.... that's my novel comment for today. I think we should continue this discussion at lunch. I have a feeling we could dedicate quite a converstation to this topic. :)
I think Kyle feels the same way about me. One of our many homework conversations ended with this comment from him: "You care about my grades more than I do!" And I said, "I know! That's why you're having a problem." He doesn't see the long-term consequences of his current choices. Or he just doesn't care.
You can tell Freestone that every practicing session, every homework assignment done well, every good habit he forms now will open doors for him in the future. But if he's like Kyle, he won't listen. Sigh. What's a mom to do?
This topic resonates with me, so forgive me for adding something else that just came to mind:
This week an adult said to me, "I really wish my mom had made me stay with piano." Have you ever heard a grown-up say, "I'm so glad my mom let me off the hook" ?
Ouch! Kids can be so honest! But you are great parents and "they will thank you for this someday" chiche is still true. Your children know they are loved.
I tell my kids they can thank me later-- they'll try anything to get out of doing something hard! As long as you have a good balance, you're fine and they will thank you later.
Also, talking to exchange students out here-- they're schedules are way crazier and the expectations way higher in their respective countries -- we're kind of spoiled Americans-- way to make a change!!
It's such a tricky balance! I trust you are doing just fine. Your kids are too well adjusted to think otherwise.
ps. I've been a slacker about commenting, but know that I am ALWAYS reading your blog, and that it is one of my favorites... :)
You are the most wonderful and helpful friend. I needed to read this today and c will be reading it as soon as she gets home from school! Thanks so much! Love you Circ!
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