Trying to pinpoint exactly what level of involvement to have in your child's academic life is daunting. I have found a balance that I like, for the most part. I'm sure you're dying to know what I claim to have figured out.
Lucky you, I'm about to tell you! It's the end of the term, and we're all scrambling. It IS important to not interfere as a parent and try to unilaterally remedy a situation that your child clearly screwed up. My mom had a student in her Honors English class that earned an A-. Her dad badgered my mom ruthlessly, pleading, cajoling, guilting, threatening, accusing. His daughter had a 4.0 and he wanted to keep it that way, even though his daughter had earned an A-. He didn't care what he had to do, he wanted the A. My mom finally emailed back, "No. There are things more important than a 4.0. Like INTEGRITY!" I try to keep that in mind. I don't want to be the overzealous parent that crosses that line. In fact, I'm almost completely out of the picture by high school, because my kids have learned the ropes by then. They know what their parents expect, what they expect of themselves, and what they're capable of.
But I'm also not a laissez-faire parent. I think it's far more important to teach your child ways to succeed rather than smugly sit back and think you're giving him this big, important life lesson by letting him struggle upstream, ignorant of ways to gain success. For example, I made it clear to Freestone that we expected an A in Utah Studies, because the teacher lets you retake quizzes until you get an A, so there's no excuse not to. Freestone had an A- the day before end of term. I advised him to email the teacher, ask him about retaking a quiz that had a low score, and going in to retake the quiz. He did, and now he has an A. The thing about letting him "fail" is that he would have been fine with an A-. Working for the A instead taught him he could do a little better. Sometimes we equate laziness in kids for failure, when the real failure is that parents haven't taught the kid not to be lazy. It's not necessarily about the grade, it's about doing your best, and it takes a lot of finesse and involvement to know what your child's best is. When I go through my kids' grades with them, I ask, "What can you do to get this grade up?" If the answer is nothing, then OK. If there is something they can do, THEY do it. I don't usually contact my kids' teachers after 7th grade. However, I do teach the kids how to respectfully interact with their teachers for the best outcome, apologizing for their failures, asking nicely for help and thanking the teacher for their hard work.
I asked Ruby about "letting them fail" in jr, high and whether she thought that was the way to go. She said scornfully, "What, just not helping them when they're still not fully developed, and don't have a clue what's going on, and having them have to live with the consequences all through high school?"
I have heard the claim that it's better to let them fail "now when the stakes are low" than later in life. I fully reject that idea! The stakes when they're young, especially in jr. high, are extremely high! Yes, if they do fail, then sometimes that failure comes with a life lesson, but I never want that life lesson to be, "My parents sat back and didn't help me." These kids are developing a work ethic, a sense of self worth, a concept of family and community, and defining their place academically. If they look at themselves as a person who gets good grades, works hard, and has a family who has their back, they are going to be much better-equipped to go into the world. If my child left her homework on the kitchen counter and I reacted with, "Well, that's just too bad. You have to learn to fail," not only would their grade suffer, but they would "learn" that they don't have anyone they can rely on for backup. Life isn't like that. We all have backup. We all ARE backup. Failure will come in life, regardless of whether we "learned to fail." How about if we "learn to succeed" and "help each other succeed" and then learn to accept defeat gracefully when it comes, after all we can do? Is Golda at college paralyzed with inability because her parents helped her in junior high? No.
So when a kid leaves an assignment for the last night, you'll never hear me say, "Too bad. You should have planned better. Maybe you'll learn your lesson." Isn't that just an excuse for not completing the work? Instead, you'll probably hear me say, "Get the paper. Let's see what you have to do. You're going to be up suuuper late." Chances are, I'll be up late too, teaching my child that sometimes you mess up, you don't plan ahead, your organization skills are underdeveloped, you ran out of time. Well, you're still accountable. And that's OK, because your mom knows that in life, there are second chances. And Moms. And Coke.
Lucky you, I'm about to tell you! It's the end of the term, and we're all scrambling. It IS important to not interfere as a parent and try to unilaterally remedy a situation that your child clearly screwed up. My mom had a student in her Honors English class that earned an A-. Her dad badgered my mom ruthlessly, pleading, cajoling, guilting, threatening, accusing. His daughter had a 4.0 and he wanted to keep it that way, even though his daughter had earned an A-. He didn't care what he had to do, he wanted the A. My mom finally emailed back, "No. There are things more important than a 4.0. Like INTEGRITY!" I try to keep that in mind. I don't want to be the overzealous parent that crosses that line. In fact, I'm almost completely out of the picture by high school, because my kids have learned the ropes by then. They know what their parents expect, what they expect of themselves, and what they're capable of.
But I'm also not a laissez-faire parent. I think it's far more important to teach your child ways to succeed rather than smugly sit back and think you're giving him this big, important life lesson by letting him struggle upstream, ignorant of ways to gain success. For example, I made it clear to Freestone that we expected an A in Utah Studies, because the teacher lets you retake quizzes until you get an A, so there's no excuse not to. Freestone had an A- the day before end of term. I advised him to email the teacher, ask him about retaking a quiz that had a low score, and going in to retake the quiz. He did, and now he has an A. The thing about letting him "fail" is that he would have been fine with an A-. Working for the A instead taught him he could do a little better. Sometimes we equate laziness in kids for failure, when the real failure is that parents haven't taught the kid not to be lazy. It's not necessarily about the grade, it's about doing your best, and it takes a lot of finesse and involvement to know what your child's best is. When I go through my kids' grades with them, I ask, "What can you do to get this grade up?" If the answer is nothing, then OK. If there is something they can do, THEY do it. I don't usually contact my kids' teachers after 7th grade. However, I do teach the kids how to respectfully interact with their teachers for the best outcome, apologizing for their failures, asking nicely for help and thanking the teacher for their hard work.
I asked Ruby about "letting them fail" in jr, high and whether she thought that was the way to go. She said scornfully, "What, just not helping them when they're still not fully developed, and don't have a clue what's going on, and having them have to live with the consequences all through high school?"
I have heard the claim that it's better to let them fail "now when the stakes are low" than later in life. I fully reject that idea! The stakes when they're young, especially in jr. high, are extremely high! Yes, if they do fail, then sometimes that failure comes with a life lesson, but I never want that life lesson to be, "My parents sat back and didn't help me." These kids are developing a work ethic, a sense of self worth, a concept of family and community, and defining their place academically. If they look at themselves as a person who gets good grades, works hard, and has a family who has their back, they are going to be much better-equipped to go into the world. If my child left her homework on the kitchen counter and I reacted with, "Well, that's just too bad. You have to learn to fail," not only would their grade suffer, but they would "learn" that they don't have anyone they can rely on for backup. Life isn't like that. We all have backup. We all ARE backup. Failure will come in life, regardless of whether we "learned to fail." How about if we "learn to succeed" and "help each other succeed" and then learn to accept defeat gracefully when it comes, after all we can do? Is Golda at college paralyzed with inability because her parents helped her in junior high? No.
So when a kid leaves an assignment for the last night, you'll never hear me say, "Too bad. You should have planned better. Maybe you'll learn your lesson." Isn't that just an excuse for not completing the work? Instead, you'll probably hear me say, "Get the paper. Let's see what you have to do. You're going to be up suuuper late." Chances are, I'll be up late too, teaching my child that sometimes you mess up, you don't plan ahead, your organization skills are underdeveloped, you ran out of time. Well, you're still accountable. And that's OK, because your mom knows that in life, there are second chances. And Moms. And Coke.
4 comments:
I needed this post! I have been wavering in my parenting style this school year...wondering about many of the points you addressed. It is so nice to hear a Mom I respect state that making the kids a priority and teaching them how to succeed are actually good things. Thanks for this post.
You're spot on here!
Thank you!!! Even though Hannah is young I'm just learning about the whole school thing and I want to get as much of it right as I can. I know I will but I also want to do all I can to get things right too.
I offer a sticker each week for a piano student who has shown through their lesson time and on their written practice chart that my expectations to earn a sticker has been met. The very first week a mom came in with her child and the child had only practiced 4/5 days required to earn the sticker. She said they'd just run out of time and a couple of days the child just didn't feel like practicing but that was okay right and I'd still give her a sticker? (Insert, big smile on mom's face.) I looked at her and said, 'No, she has not earned her sticker this week.' She was shocked but I explained that each student had the same requirement given to them to earn a sticker (although practice times vary by grade level) and that it would not only be unfair to her daughter to reward her when she hadn't earned her sticker but that it also would not be fair to all the other children who had put in the required time and effort. That was 2 months ago and you know that child has met the requirement every single week since. I wonder if that would be the case if I had not stood my ground?
Thank you for all the great lessons you've provided in this post. Going to figure out a way to 'pin' it to my schooling board. :)
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this!!! It is exactly how I feel!!! I think it's terrible when parents won't help their kids out. The only thing their kids will learn is they can't count on their parents to help them when they are in a tough spot. I will always take my kids homework or gym shorts to school for them if they forgot. You know why? Cause I would want someone to help me out if I forgot. My kids help me out all the time too. We are a team. We help each other out. That's what we do. I may share this post if you don't mind:)
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