Recently it seems like it's disingenuous to suggest that life can be happy. Talking about the hard parts or the bad parts of life is equated with honesty. Read this article from Salon,com, if you haven't already. The author describes herself as "your standard-issue late-20-something childless overeducated atheist feminist." (I know a LOT of over-educated stay-at-home-moms. Don't flatter yourself, lady.) The author can't figure out why she is so attracted to "Mormon Mommy Blogs," where life just seems so rosy. She is suspicious of the contentment and the simplicity of life when she contrasts it to the stress of her own.
Why are we so skeptical of happiness? Why are we so cynical about faith? What I want to impart to all the young women in my group is this: That a happy, family-centric life is a possibility, it's a reality for me and many women around me, and it can be a reality for you. In fact, it should be your greatest desire. Everything you undertake in your education, your training, your relationships with other people, your personal fulfillment, can be with your future family in mind. What do I want to be prepared to teach them? What kind of environment will I be prepared to create in my home? What opportunities will I be able to provide for my children? What will my children perceive as important to me? How will I show them that I am happy about my decision to raise a family? How will I be an example to them of a strong, educated, thoughtful, engaged, charitable, spiritual woman? How will I continue to learn and grow as I manage a family? What kind of example will my marriage be for them? Ladies, raising kids isn't about baking cookies and sewing Halloween costumes, as Salon.com suggests. You can do all that and love it, but parenthood is infinitely more. It is an eternal partnership with God, the father of the children who are in your care. It's a pretty big deal. Believe that there is not a more important role for you in this life, and plan accordingly and prayerfully. This is a personal journey. You won't attain happiness by comparing yourself to others, but you will always find answers in prayer. Things will happen that are not ideal. Divorce, financial constraints, work schedules, maybe years and years of waiting to find a spouse, infertility. I want you to prepare for the life you want so you can face challenges with a full arsenal of tools.
I talked to both Golda and Ruby about this subject tonight. I asked Golda if she would really give up a successful Broadway career to stay home with her children. She quickly said she would, and gave her reason:
"Because a family lasts forever and Broadway doesn't."
True or false?
11 comments:
True!!
Great response, Golda!
I think this subject all boils down to selfishness. A wise parent knows you can find deep joy (eventually, I hope ... right?) through putting your children's needs first, and that their growth aids your own; the world has a slick "me-me-me" recipe for happiness. It's hard to penetrate that.
I was affected sharply by a magazine article years ago: Here's its essence: "Dear Advice Maven, My kids don't appreciate me. What should I do?" "Dear Stay-at-home Doormat, Show you kids that you do value your college degree by actually going to work! You'll set a better example for them than if you just stay home." I was seething. SEETHING! I was ready to write an impassioned response, until I discovered that magazine issue was a year or two old.
Or this, from our "own ranks." When Jeff's cousin, an attorney in D.C., stepped down so she could stay at home with her four children, my mother-in-law sang her praises, marveling at her sacrifice. I admired her decision very much, too. I asked my mother-in-law: but what about women who decide, BEFORE they pursue a career and indeed, instead of it, to be at home with their children?
Hmm. Maybe that's something else we need to help our daughters learn: that being a mother is not about what we give up, but what we gain. OK, I'm done now. Thanks for listening/reading my vent.
You and Jennifer have both given me a lot to think about today. And I completely agree with Golda...just amazed that she realizes this at a young age, for many that realization comes too late.
Uh-oh. Not done. I fear I came across as working mother vs. stay-at-home, which I did not mean to do. I've been both. And, in both scenarios, I've shriveled at times under the world's measure of my worth. I love your comparison to motherhood as a partner with God. He is the one to help us.
I like your view point and the comments others have left. For me, issues like this come down to a personal conversion and testimony of the gospel. If you have a testimony and are truly converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ, its teachings and have a belief in our modern day prophet than for me, these types of topics "should" be a non issue. We should know what to do when faced with difficult choices. Will the choice be easy? Maybe not. But, we will be guided in all things.
We have been told that the sole purpose for coming to this earth, other than to obtain a body, was to have a family experience. However, this is the ideal. For some, this may not happen. As you said, due to circumstances not of their choosing some may find themselves without a spouse or unable to raise children. I know we have a wise Heavenly Father who knows each one of our hearts, knows our intent, knows our desires and passions. All we can each do is.... our part and give it everything we have. The atonement takes care of the rest.
As for teaching this to our daughters, this effort takes place each and every day. You are doing a marvelous job of that. As our girls become more and more converted and the roots of their testimonies sink deep in gospel soil, choices referenced in this post will become easier and easier. They will be easy not because our strong daughters of God are being subservient or taking a back seat to other priorities. Instead, will be fulfilling divine destinies and obeying the commandments of God. As Golda said, the lights on Broadway will dim. But our families, if they are eternal, they will shine forever.
What a great post and comments. I needed to read this today. Thanks for putting everything back into perspective for me.
Oh so true and that Golda is brilliant!
Great post Circ! Spot on Golda.
I have been thinking a lot about this post. Not many people out here have the same perspective - but, thankfully, many respect the choice I've made to not be a professional.
The harm by having both parents work outside the home (IF BY CHOICE) is going to plague our society for generations. And I'm astounded that most cannot make that connection.
I just saw a really great quote about parenthood (from NPR - a book reviewed called No Biking Inside the House Without a Helmet - I'm interested...). Here it is:
"Donny and I feel most richly alive, most thickly in the cumbersome richness of life, with children underfoot."
Love that. Cumbersome richness of life. :)
The end.
One more thought in case anyone cares ;)
I hope that young girls realize that having and managing a family is not "the easy way out". This is the hardest work I've ever done. And I'm so incredibly thankful for the life experiences and especially EDUCATION that I have that, I feel, enables to me to be a better mother. That may not be the perfect recipe for everyone. But I don't believe ONLY focusing on being ready to be a wife is the right path. When people strive to be their BEST selves, they can attract a BEST MATE to them. Whenever that may be.
Other than that, I have no strong feelings on the matter.
Absolutely true if that is the choice Golda gets or has to make.
Teaching our children the message not only of eternal personal families but eternal relationships that extend those borders, is so important. We are all raising the next generation together, not as isolated units. The world has "mommy wars" we are (or should be) having a community, not a war.
Valuing the roles of caregiver, nurturer, and teacher in a world that values those imperative roles less and less is difficult, but so is valuing a community of caregivers, nurturers, and teachers, in a world growing less and less community oriented. I'm often reminded of that when reading pioneer stories, I certainly am glad I never had to deal with polygamy but it definitely showed in stark contrast of the world today of isolated families trying to struggle in the world "alone", the value Heavenly Father places on groups, and communities of women working together to build and sustain what is important. There is a reason the Relief Society is the oldest and most successful women's organization in the world.
We have a true community of women, and when it comes down to it, all these crazy labels don't matter. When our daughters make whatever choices they make (good or bad) what they have other young women don't, is the support of a loving community of "sisters" and not just the ones in their family.
I hate that the world keeps trying to suck us up into this idea that we need to defend our choices to them or to each other sometimes to the point, that we forget that not everyone is given the same choices, or that we forget that people do make mistakes, and they live with the consequences of those mistakes. We are there to provide the community, to help.
When you have a community of "sisters" there is someone to bake the Halloween cookies and someone to create the plays and all the things in between. Part of the happiness is knowing we aren't isolated women dedicating our lives to our families, but part of something bigger, and the world doesn't seem to be getting that, either that or we are't doing as good of job as we should be talking about it. The issue with a stay-at-home mom seems to be keeping your skills isolated to your family, but LDS women don't do that anyway so where the work is done isn't an issue. LDS women don't get "educated" then only give that to their families, so this idea that LDS women just nurture one family is just untrue.
When I read the Salon article, the thing I guess that struck me is this idea of "Mormon Mommy Blogs" as if there isn't an HUGE community of LDS bloggers out there, talking about a community, that is part of their happiness. These women are not just sharing their skills with their own children, but with a community.
Ms. Salon would be a welcome part of our community and could find the happiness she is reading about, even as a childless feminist. She might change her mind about some things, she might not but she's welcome to a piece of the happiness she seems to envy either way.
We may have an "ideal" everyone does, but we love our childless feminists too, Ms. Salon so feel free to join us.
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