In church on Sunday I got a text from Scott. "You are beautiful."
What a nice thing to say! And yet my reaction wasn't what Scott expected. I'll just tell you: My initial reaction was disbelief, shame and feelings of inadequacy. In the first fleeting seconds after reading that nice message, didn't want to accept that it could be sincere. My mind raced through all the possibilities of how that text could have been accidentally sent to me. I didn't want to be all touched and grateful if it wasn't for real.
It's not Scott's fault. He is a great husband, and he tells me how darling I am all the time. I know he really likes me and loves me, too. I just...don't feel beautiful, and I guess I didn't fully realize just how ugly I feel until Scott told me I was beautiful. My Wet hair was in a ponytail, for heavens sake. All around me there are women who seem to have the time, organization and desire to keep themselves beautiful with gym time, salon time, and plain old grooming time. Not me. I don't have an explanation. I want to be beautiful without the work, I suppose. I want my "beauty" to be recognized underneath all the extra eyebrow growth and tummy fat.
But that's not all. Not only am I scruffy and unpolished on the outside, I am pretty rough-hewn on the inside, too. I think I would have more internal beauty if I were doing more to make the world a better place, doing more to help, if I had more to contribute. I went to see the movie "The Drop Box" last week, about a man who cares for abandoned, disabled children in South Korea, and I came out praying, "Dear God, what am I doing to help anyone?"
This isn't to say that I'm not happy, because I am. But what if I'm only happy because I'm not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not contributing anything to society? What if I'm only happy because I'm complacent? What if it's not enough just to keep this family afloat? With the balancing act of self-preservation versus service to others, is there a way to be completely satisfied with who you are, and what you're contributing, and how you look and how beautiful you feel internally? If there is, I am not there yet, but I think it would be wonderful if I could get a compliment from my incredible husband and think, "Aw, gee, thanks, honey!"
Instead of writing a blog post about it! Until then, anyone want to analyze this with me? :)
What a nice thing to say! And yet my reaction wasn't what Scott expected. I'll just tell you: My initial reaction was disbelief, shame and feelings of inadequacy. In the first fleeting seconds after reading that nice message, didn't want to accept that it could be sincere. My mind raced through all the possibilities of how that text could have been accidentally sent to me. I didn't want to be all touched and grateful if it wasn't for real.
It's not Scott's fault. He is a great husband, and he tells me how darling I am all the time. I know he really likes me and loves me, too. I just...don't feel beautiful, and I guess I didn't fully realize just how ugly I feel until Scott told me I was beautiful. My Wet hair was in a ponytail, for heavens sake. All around me there are women who seem to have the time, organization and desire to keep themselves beautiful with gym time, salon time, and plain old grooming time. Not me. I don't have an explanation. I want to be beautiful without the work, I suppose. I want my "beauty" to be recognized underneath all the extra eyebrow growth and tummy fat.
But that's not all. Not only am I scruffy and unpolished on the outside, I am pretty rough-hewn on the inside, too. I think I would have more internal beauty if I were doing more to make the world a better place, doing more to help, if I had more to contribute. I went to see the movie "The Drop Box" last week, about a man who cares for abandoned, disabled children in South Korea, and I came out praying, "Dear God, what am I doing to help anyone?"
This isn't to say that I'm not happy, because I am. But what if I'm only happy because I'm not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not contributing anything to society? What if I'm only happy because I'm complacent? What if it's not enough just to keep this family afloat? With the balancing act of self-preservation versus service to others, is there a way to be completely satisfied with who you are, and what you're contributing, and how you look and how beautiful you feel internally? If there is, I am not there yet, but I think it would be wonderful if I could get a compliment from my incredible husband and think, "Aw, gee, thanks, honey!"
Instead of writing a blog post about it! Until then, anyone want to analyze this with me? :)
6 comments:
Sounds like a topic for Shelter to me! Somehow, I think I know just how you feel!
I would have had the same reaction. It's so sad that we don't believe the great things that we are/do.
About helping more- I have begun to realize if I want to change the world I must 1- have a good marriage 2- raise faithful children in the gospel. I am 1 they are 7. If I try my hardest as their mother I will be in them as they go out in the world to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. And that will heal nations. loved seeing you Circe! Thanks for driving all the way down.
I'm so sad you feel this way. You are such a bright light that it pains me you feel inadequate. Although I think I'd be dubious, too, maybe even suspicious, if I got such a text from my husband. What's the deal? Yet I'm with Scott -- you are beautiful. You have warmth in your countenance and are constantly lifting others. Comparison is the thief of joy, whether we compare ourselves to magazine covers or to Mother Theresas. All we can do is seek to see ourselves as a loving Heavenly Father sees us. (But what do I know? I believe in Heavenly Father's love academically, perhaps, as love extended to ALL his children. It's so much harder to internalize that personally! I think it will take me a lifetime.)
I think you are amazing, and I really don't know you other than through this blog. It always entertains, instructs or inspires me in some way. Thanks for writing!
You are beautiful inside and out dear friend! Although we've met only a couple of times in person, I can truly say that you are a friend I cherish, think of on almost a daily basis and thank God for often.
We are imperfect friends together that God brought together. So thankful for YOU...every bit of you!
Circe, I was absolutely floored when I read this entry! I often think about how beautiful and incredible you are, and inspiring! I’m not just saying that.
Over the past year I’ve come across some incredible books/blogs/therapy that have helped me come through a lot of self doubt and loathing. I think the most helpful to me was being told that I’m writing my own story, I get to decided if I’m the troll or the princess or anything. It is all made up anyway so decide that you are beautiful. Brene Brown is incredible, any of her books. The blog momastery.com and book Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton are both amazing.
I think there is incredible power in being real and showing up, imperfections and all. Your imperfections are what make you beautiful! Thank you for being open and honest and showing this side, it helps all your friends/followers, we are all so much more alike than we are different.
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