Callings

This is Xanthe's finding ad.  I called my friend Kelin and asked him to translate it for me.  I wish I could play his message for you, with his heavy Chinese accent explaining that the ad says that this little girl was found outside the "homeless shelter for children" in YiYang on April 14, and that any relative who would claim her had sixty days to do so before the state took over her well-being.  It is a crushing part of Xanthe's past, but it is not something to be ashamed of or hidden in any way.  As heartbreaking as it is, it is part of Xanthe's proud story, and I want her to own it.  She is a miracle.  She has a legacy in China we never want to forget.  And she has a Father in Heaven who formed this plan especially for her.  We trust Him.

 Xanthe's first birthday, YiYang SWI, Hunan, China.

 Xanthe was such an adorable three-year-old, with her BFF Esmae.  I look back with a lot of emotion.  Sometimes I want a do-over.  Sometimes I'm just relieved we made it.  Back then, Xanthe woke up with night terrors lots of nights, unable to be comforted.  She spent lots of days screaming and kicking the door.  She was a tough nut to crack.  We knew there were things we didn't know about how she ticked, but what can you do when you don't know?  Just keep trying.

This is something I wrote several years ago, when Xanthe's food issues and her difficulty reasoning intersected and resulted in soggy cereal:

{This morning I said to nobody in particular, "Hey, why is there milk in the cereal box?"  Xanthe eagerly explained that she got too much cereal and then showed me how she had put fistfuls of it back in the box.  Yes, after she put the milk on it.

I said, "Do you see a problem with putting the cereal back in the box after it has milk on it?"  She squinted and said uncertainly, "No...yes?  But then I would be too full!"  We kept at our conversation which was essentially variations of me saying what a bad idea it is to put soggy cereal back in the box and Xanthe explaining how if she hadn't put it back, she would have gotten too full.}

It has taken nine years, but I think Scott and I are finally figuring out our complex enigma that is Xanthe.  She does so well, considering the stumbling blocks in her brain.  It is very difficult to work around synapses that aren't firing and information that is hitting walls on its journey through your brain, but Xanthe is one determined little spicy girl.  I feel guilty for all the times I have said "hurry up and decide," or "Answer me!"  When meanwhile, a screaming traffic jam of information was trying to untangle itself in Xanthe's head.

I am not the most patient person, as anyone who has driven with me can attest, but Xanthe's presence in my life has taught me a deep, vast patience like a glacial lake, slowly filling up each day with more cold, clear, still water.  I'm not there yet; Xanthe still has more to teach me.  My glacial lake is still woefully shallow.  I look in awe at Xanthe and marvel at the incredibly difficult journey she was called to embark on in this life, complete with the task of refining her parents into more capable, patient, loving and empathetic people, blind in one eye, and after suffering the primal loss of her first parents and a year of institutional care.  Tough job!  It inspires me and gives me hope that our Father in Heaven entrusted such a difficult job to Xanthe.  She is strong.  He knew she was up to the task, and so do I.