A friend of mine posed the question on Facebook, "Do you pay for your kids' high school dances, including this ridiculous new thing called the "day date?"
Is it really ridiculous? Are you trying to sound out of touch? You might as well use the word "newfangled." Kids have three years to experience high school. Are you going to begrudge them a two-hour hike with a date, or a scavenger hunt with a group of friends or even a movie?
I get that these dances are expensive, and that families, ours included, don't have wads of cash lying around. But I was surprised at some of the almost hostile responses, like, "Nope. It's all on them." Most of the comments were like mine, that we encourage the kids to have a nice dinner at one of our homes, do day activities that don't cost money, maybe have kids contribute to their formal wear, and perhaps skip some of the expensive formalities like boutonnieres and pictures. In fact, I think the kids have cut down on the fluff themselves.
In my opinion, high school kids are minors whom we agreed to parent into adulthood. So not only should we be supporting them financially when they want to take part in normal high school activities, we should also support them by, well, being supportive. "Yes, I would love to help you pay for prom...I want you to ask a girl to prom, and Dad and I will help pay for it...We know restaurants don't always treat big groups of teenagers enthusiastically, so we want to host a dinner for you and your friends before prom...That day date sounds fun. Who's going?...Let's see what we can figure out for a prom dress...
I mean, don't statements like that foster a better relationship with your teenager than, "Nope. It's all on them," and "This ridiculous idea of a day date." Yeah, some parts of being a teenager are supposed to be ridiculous. When you're a parent, you're not supposed to be ridiculous. You're supposed to encourage your children to partake of peer activities that frankly will never happen again in their lives. If you can't afford a lot, you're supposed to be creative.
But maybe I'm just mad because I know lots of girls who wait every night for the doorbell to ring, losing a little more hope each day as prom approaches. Sure, they will go on to lead successful lives. I could downplay it and say, "It's just prom." But I think that all the boys should ask girls, and I think their parents should encourage it, because I can't stand the thought of all those beautiful girls, all those sweet, hard-working, bright-eyed girls waiting and waiting for the one crowning moment of their high school social lives, the one thing that will make all their hours of grueling homework worth it, the thing they have been dreaming of for years, and then finally giving up hope. Going out with their mom or dad on prom night, pretending that's a fun alternative. Pretending it's fine. But thinking in the back of their minds, "700 boys at my school and not one wanted to go to prom with me."
When my boys are in high school, they're going. Oh, they're going. I'm not going to let them pass up an opportunity to make a girl's dreams come true, to be an answer to her prayers, to flip the switch between discouragement and elation.
Then again, it's Just Prom. It's All on Them.
Is it really ridiculous? Are you trying to sound out of touch? You might as well use the word "newfangled." Kids have three years to experience high school. Are you going to begrudge them a two-hour hike with a date, or a scavenger hunt with a group of friends or even a movie?
I get that these dances are expensive, and that families, ours included, don't have wads of cash lying around. But I was surprised at some of the almost hostile responses, like, "Nope. It's all on them." Most of the comments were like mine, that we encourage the kids to have a nice dinner at one of our homes, do day activities that don't cost money, maybe have kids contribute to their formal wear, and perhaps skip some of the expensive formalities like boutonnieres and pictures. In fact, I think the kids have cut down on the fluff themselves.
In my opinion, high school kids are minors whom we agreed to parent into adulthood. So not only should we be supporting them financially when they want to take part in normal high school activities, we should also support them by, well, being supportive. "Yes, I would love to help you pay for prom...I want you to ask a girl to prom, and Dad and I will help pay for it...We know restaurants don't always treat big groups of teenagers enthusiastically, so we want to host a dinner for you and your friends before prom...That day date sounds fun. Who's going?...Let's see what we can figure out for a prom dress...
I mean, don't statements like that foster a better relationship with your teenager than, "Nope. It's all on them," and "This ridiculous idea of a day date." Yeah, some parts of being a teenager are supposed to be ridiculous. When you're a parent, you're not supposed to be ridiculous. You're supposed to encourage your children to partake of peer activities that frankly will never happen again in their lives. If you can't afford a lot, you're supposed to be creative.
But maybe I'm just mad because I know lots of girls who wait every night for the doorbell to ring, losing a little more hope each day as prom approaches. Sure, they will go on to lead successful lives. I could downplay it and say, "It's just prom." But I think that all the boys should ask girls, and I think their parents should encourage it, because I can't stand the thought of all those beautiful girls, all those sweet, hard-working, bright-eyed girls waiting and waiting for the one crowning moment of their high school social lives, the one thing that will make all their hours of grueling homework worth it, the thing they have been dreaming of for years, and then finally giving up hope. Going out with their mom or dad on prom night, pretending that's a fun alternative. Pretending it's fine. But thinking in the back of their minds, "700 boys at my school and not one wanted to go to prom with me."
When my boys are in high school, they're going. Oh, they're going. I'm not going to let them pass up an opportunity to make a girl's dreams come true, to be an answer to her prayers, to flip the switch between discouragement and elation.
Then again, it's Just Prom. It's All on Them.
7 comments:
Amen. "She" said a homecoming date with me for the past TWO years was fun, but I KNOW she would have rather been asked to the dance. I hear ya loud and clear and ditto on Collin asking someone. I might give Jackson a pass. ;)
PS - I dare ya to post this blog link to facebook as a response. :) I think there are a lot of parents who might want to consider the points you articulated here.
I love this! I think your attitude is spot on- and this is the way I was raised too, my parents helped my brothers (and me for girls choice dances) out a little and it made it fun and less stressful.
One of my neighbors was telling me a few years ago that her daughter didn't want to ask to a girls choice dance (partly because no one had asked her to the boys choice dances earlier in the year) and she responded with, "Well maybe it's not about YOU! There is some mother out there on her knees praying her son gets asked to this dance knowing it will do him a load of good." I'm going to use that phrase with my boys when they get a little older, "Maybe it's not about you!" Thanks for posting such thought provoking and funny and inspiring stories Circe!
Amen! Amen! Amen! I have felt judged on many occasions for "over supporting" my kids. I bought my daughter's prom dress, she paid for her cotillion dress. I paid for my daughter's beater car. She got herself to work with it everyday. I helped her with her first year of college. She'll be figuring out the next year. The last words Neil's mother said to him on the night before she unexpectedly left this life was, "Give your children options, not ultimatums." I want my kids to feel like they have options. I let them do everything they can for themselves, then I often cover the difference. I'm glad for a loving Heavenly Father that doesn't have the "it's all on you" attitude.
You had me until you declared prom as the crowning moment of a girl's high school social life ... but I wasn't asked to prom, so what do I know? Ha ha.
Yes, yes, yes! I'm so sad to know that so many of Lily's friends haven't been asked, and when Lily tries to encourage boys to ask, many of them say they don't want to or can't, because they have to cover all the costs themselves. Most of them are sophomores that don't have jobs, so this isn't even an option. I want to smack their parents around, esp the ones driving their navigators and living in their giant houses, but somehow think they are teaching a finance lesson by refusing to cough up some cash for prom. It doesn't have to be expensive, parents that care can make it work!
I totally agree with you!!!
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