My sister-in-law Michelle recommended a book to me that I found awesome and funny. Free Range Kids is the title, and it's about giving kids freedom to become independent and self-reliant. The author had me laughing at the sarcastic way she pokes fun at the culture of fear we live in. I am not, by nature, a worrier, so I eat tons of cookie dough (raw eggs), I give babies scissors, trick-or-treat in the dark and let my kids walk alone to school. Right now, Xanthe and Ruby are painting a mural on Xanthe's bedroom wall. Just today I dropped Ari off alone at the ortho, to be picked up later by my mom. Ruby spent time alone with an adult male in his house, as she does every week (guitar lesson) while Ptolemy ate glue in the car. The other kids, 30 miles away, walked home from school by themselves in a winter storm. I know what independence is. I lived alone in Paris for three months when I was fourteen.
So I agree that we should "live by what we know, not by what we fear." The book's statistics state that your kid would essentially have to stand alone on a street corner with a "Kidnap Me" sign for a hundred thousand years to get kidnapped. Phew! So I can let my kid walk to school alone? Great. BUT...where the author and I part ways is when she claims, "very little we do as parents will actually make any difference because kids are genetically wired to be who they are." That is patently ludicrous to me. Oh, so Xanthe is going to grow up to be a peasant farmer in China because of her genes? That's gonna be weird.
What parents do makes a difference. For a certain finite time in a person's life, their children are their life's work, and that's OK. I'm all for sending your kid on the subway alone. But what's the big rush? I knew a woman who allowed her kids to make all their own choices. The oldest burned their house to the ground smoking in bed at age 14. Natural consequences, indeed. There are so many things a kid can do to gain confidence and independence; setting goals, meeting family and church responsibilities, learning to work hard, becoming proficient at something through consistent effort, sacrificing your time for others. But if a solo subway or bike ride is all you have to help you build confidence, I guess you have to take what you can get. Golda doesn't walk home from school because it's a waste of time. Is she a coddled, fragile "teacup kid?" No, she's busy engaging in activities that give her independence, confidence and self-esteem, like studying for good grades, managing her time, dancing, teaching classes, helping her parents and practicing flute and voice every day. I'm sure she could muster enough independence to sit in a tree and stare at the clouds if she wanted to. I'm sure all my kids are strong enough to wander over to a neighbor's house, knock on the door, and ask if they can play there. It's not such a complicated skill. I get that "play is a kid's work," but I also would argue that work is a kid's play. They model work when they play; fixing dinner, building forts, caring for babies. They love hard work.
Here's the book's laissez-faire train of thought. "I don't want to invest the time and energy to give my kid confidence and independence through gradually building skills or talents, and I certainly don't want the poor little thing to do anything he doesn't want to do, even for a second, but I do want him to be brilliant and independent. Hmm...I know! I'll let him play with rusty farm implements in a vacant lot until dinner with no adult supervision. That way, he will become a smart, independent, driven adult who thinks outside the box, just like Albert Einstein, and I can go surf the web while he's raising himself to have all the values I do. After all, kids in third world countries have been wallowing in the dirt for centuries, and it works for them! And folks in Sweden park their babies out on the sidewalk while they dine in restaurants, so I should definitely leave my infant unattended so he can get fresh air like the Swedish babies.
Fine, but just because you daydream and quit piano doesn't mean you're Einstein. Kids in Third World countries would jump at the chance to do anything besides be independent, carrying water and raising smaller siblings, sometimes without the help of parents. I think it's patronizing and offensive to people in Third World countries to suggest that their little ones are independent by choice, and to claim that we envy their lifestyle, devoid of opportunities and even basic necessities. As for Sweden, I asked all the Swedes I know and none of them had ever heard of leaving a baby outside a restaurant in a stroller.
But I think the author's point is that we can relax. A LOT! And I agree. I must say I appreciate the backlash in the book against the fear generated by the media and other parents. We do not have to be afraid of every possible or perceived danger! But just because it's safe doesn't mean kids are better off making their way alone. My ballet mentor, Clytie, told me, "There's a big difference between 'giving' a class and 'teaching' a class." I believe in teaching. However, I also believe that there are a thousand different and valuable ways to raise a child. My free range sister-in-law, Michelle, is doing a fine job raising a free-range son who is creative, exciting and kind-hearted. Her little free range bird and my tiger kittens get along just fine. It's a zoo, but it's all good. As Winston Churchill said, "The worst quarrels only arise when both sides are equally in the right and equally in the wrong."
