I have an idea for a new reality show. I'm calling it Big Mama of the Jungle. Here's the first challenge for the moms/contestants:
You must navigate a minivan to an address you've never been to before. You have directions, but they're written in yellow crayon on a post-it note in the bottom of your purse and a sippy cup leaked on the paper, making it illegible. It doesn't matter, though, because you can't reach your purse anyway. There is a baby crying in a rear-facing carseat. You can't see out the rear window because there is a kid in the back who is walking around on the seat naked looking for the swimsuit she wanted to change into. While you're driving, you must carry on these five conversations simultaneously:
- "OWWW! Mom, he kicked me really hard and I didn't even do anything!"
- "Mom, what if the world was a giant cheeseburger and we didn't even know it and we were on top and all of a sudden we started rolling off the bun like wheeeeeeeeeeeee! and we were flying through space, get it? and we didn't even have a life jacket on and..."
- "My hair WILL NOT work! I need more bobby pins and someone, like, took all of them. This is the worst day EVER!"
- "TURN!! SHORTCUT!! MOM, SHORTCUT!! TURN HERE!!! WHY DON'T WE EVER GET TO TURN ON THAT ROAD!?!?"
- "Mooooooooooom, turn the 'cital music on. Mooooooooooooooom, I want the 'cital music on. I can't hear it! Moooooooooom!"
During the drive, you must take three phone calls, one to reschedule a piano lesson (look at your calendar, find a Sharpie), one to coordinate visiting teaching (calendar again) and one from your mom who has a new theory on why your son dumped all the sand from her sandbox in the toilet and flushed it.
You get points taken off for automatically driving to the ballet studio instead of your destination. The first mom who drives into a tree, whether accidentally or intentionally, goes home. Stay tuned for next week's challenge! If you dare.
13 comments:
Love it. Whenever people say that it's dangerous to drive while talking on a cell phone (which I may or may not agree with), I think "TRY DRIVING WITH KIDS!!!!"
That is the story of my life. I have become a master multi-tasker.
LOL! That's all I can say!
Funny how well I can relate to this. LOVE it!
I needed to read this tonight...you have such grace under pressure. Love all the "conversations" - no wonder why our heads are spinning at the end of the day!
No contest needed. You automatically win.
I'm going to say the conversations were from these kids, in order:
Ari, Freestone, Golda, Ruby, Xanthe. How many points do I get?
I love it! I can pinpoint each speaker. This sounds like a great programming companion to the cooking show I'm pitching, "Iron stomach chef," wherein you have to supervise music practicing, referee squabbling sibs, do algebra homework, stop the toddler from pouring cleanser into the flour canister -- all the while making up a new recipe that does NOT include the crucial ingredients your teenager ate for his snack. Oh, and this is just the meal you're taking to a sick neighbor. Your own family is having pancakes.
An even better idea for a reality show would be to see what happens when the husband comes home and says, "Why is the house such a mess?"
Sounds like you won the first round (even with points deducted for going to ballet studio). Very funny!
Truly funny...except that it must be verbatim and sounds like an episode from survivor! You are amazing:)
I think I will just hit the tree now!
Nice try Trajan but i didn't say anything:) (toss toss) Ari always wants to turn on to the other road.
ruby
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