My Way

I set out, during our two weeks of vacation, to learn how much of what we spend our time on is good and what is fluff.  I didn't want to miss the forest for the trees.  I often find myself discussing the kids' schedules and involvement with my friends, all of us asking ourselves what our priorities are and whether we're doling out our time and resources appropriately.  It's an interesting discussion.

I think taking a break is essential in order to build up a reserve of energy and enthusiasm for life. It was nice to step back from being a taskmaster to myself and everyone around me, and to do some serious, guilt-free lounging.  However, I'm happy to be getting back to building our fall schedule of carefully considered, worthwhile activities.  There are so many great ways to structure a household and raise healthy, responsible children.  Your way might be better.  This is my way.  For me, it's the activities we do that connect us as a family, even if we're often running different directions. Scott and I both spend a fair amount of time in the car, shuttling kids from one place to another.  Car time affords us opportunities for communication, one-on-one treats or listening to interaction between siblings and friends. For years, Scott has driven Golda to flute every Saturday. It's a 45-minute drive each way, and they have become familiar with a lot of good music together during those drives.  Xanthe's piano lessons and practicing are guaranteed alone time with Mom.  That's important for a 5th child. 

All the girls in our family love to dance. It's not a decision they had to make.  It was something they were given at age 4 when I took them to their first class and told them if they didn't like it, they could quit when they turned 16.  There are a lot of dance classes every week, but it binds us together and gives us similar experiences and goals.  Fodder for easy conversation.  Same with practicing. I love to listen to what the kids are working on, and I love having them learn that there is a job that they are responsible to do every day, without fail.  If there is ever a communication gap between me and one of my kids, I can always ask, "What are you working on? Do you want me to help you?"  Music gives us a common language.  And I can always grab a kid and go to a concert, play or ballet, because we have built up the knowledge together to enjoy those things. On Sunday afternoons, I like to make a practicing and homework plan with each kid for the week.  It gives me an excuse to take them each aside for a few minutes.  Because of those benefits, I feel like music and dance lessons are adding value to family time, rather than taking away from it.  If there are nights they don't get home to start their homework until late, good.  That's life. 

The most surprising thing I noticed during the past two weeks is that when you strip everything away, there is still a huge amount of time spent in church or church-related activities and service.  I honestly hadn't considered how much our church makes up the backbone of our life's structure.  Church on Sunday, Young Women's on Wednesday, family prayer, choir practice, visiting teaching, preparing for callings, giving service, supporting social functions.  It's a way of life that is essentially a foolproof recipe for learning personal responsibility, if you make the commitment. 

Scott and I used to be really spontaneous and relaxed.  We once drove to California literally on the spur of the moment on a Saturday afternoon and had a great time.  We had three kids and I was 8 months pregnant.  But now we're at a different point in our lives, and other things are just more interesting and important. I don't worry that my kids are too over-scheduled to enjoy their childhoods.  You have only to look at the forts they've built in the back yard and the "orphanages" and art studios they've set up all over the house to know that's not the case.  Besides, I think "over-scheduled" is a term our society made up as a cop-out for facing hard work.  There's nothing wrong with kids learning that life is about work and the satisfaction that comes from it. Cracking open a new book or relaxing outside in the twilight, it's just more satisfying if everyone's work has been done.

There are school nights where we have 3 or 4 dance classes, a band concert, SEP conferences and a recital. It's unavoidable. So I plan ahead for everything I do have control over. I have learned to say no to something that I know is going to be a scheduling conflict whenever I can. It might seem selfish, but it would be worse if I slighted my own kids because I'm too disorganized/polite/scared to say no to something extraneous. Planning also helps me to be available to help where I'm needed.  I know from experience that I'm not too busy to contribute when there is a need in the family, ward or neighborhood.   If I have everything scheduled and in order, I know when I have time to make an extra crock pot of soup or watch someone's kids for a few hours, and I know how much I can take on.

We have had a relaxing and restful vacation.  After awhile, though, the lack of structure and direction starts to feel like eating cotton candy all the time.  I'm ready for some meat and potatoes.